The Emotional Pain of Betrayal
When betrayed partners first learn about infidelity, they experience incredible emotional trauma. It can feel like they’ve just been run over by a truck, but emotionally rather than physically. Their sense of trust and their belief in relational safety with their partner is battered, bruised, and broken by the discovery of cheating. Simply stated, betrayed partners are emotionally devastated by the betrayal, and they tend to behave accordingly – displaying rage, fear, pleading, vindictiveness, and more. At times, they are triggered toward reactions that in the moment seem excessive, even to them, which may cause them to feel a little bit crazy.
Well, betrayed partners are not crazy. When feelings of betrayal are triggered, either immediately after discovery or down the line, the pain comes crashing back. It feels as if the betrayal is happening all over again, creating a sense of crisis for them. And people in crisis don’t always behave rationally. This means the emotional rollercoaster that betrayed partners experience is both normal and expected.
How to Identify Betrayal Trauma Triggers
Every betrayed spouse will react differently to being triggered, but typically there is some type of fight, flight, or freeze response. The betrayed partner might attempt to control the situation through anger or other means; they might attempt to escape the pain of betrayal by not thinking about it or pretending everything is OK; they might completely shut down and become nonfunctional. Most engage in some form of all three options, sometimes bouncing very quickly from one to the other for seemingly no reason.
Unfortunately, this emotional and behavioral rollercoaster ride is likely to continue until relationship trust is reestablished – a process that typically takes around a year (if the cheating stops and the cheating partner becomes rigorously honest). Until that time, betrayed partners are likely to engage, depending on the trigger and their state of mind at any given time, in any of the behaviors discussed below.
- Detective Work: Betrayed partners might check phone bills, browser histories, emails, texts, credit card receipts and bills, phone apps, social media, and more. They might hire an actual detective to help with this. They might surreptitiously install tracking software on their partner’s phone and other digital devices.
- Mood Swings: Betrayed partners can be sad and depressed one minute, filled with rage and anger the next, and then desperately affectionate and loving the next. Their moods can swing from one extreme to the other with little to no warning.
- Shame, Loss of Self-Esteem: Being cheated on may cause betrayed partners to feel unattractive and unlovable – because why else would their partner cheat on them.
- Global Mistrust: After relationship betrayal, people who’ve been cheated on struggle to trust not only the cheater but anyone. After all, the one person who promised to never betray them did exactly that. So what might others do?
- Control, Control, Control: Because their relationship feels out of control and they no longer trust anything their cheating partner says or does, betrayed partners may try to micromanage not only the cheater but things like family finances, childcare, household tasks, etc.
- Obsessive Questioning: Betrayed partners may be obsessed with cheating, as if there is no subject on the planet that interests them more than betrayal. At times, they may want to know what happened, where, with whom, how many times, and all sorts of other minute details.
- Avoidance: This is the opposite of obsessive questioning, but equally likely. Basically, betrayed partners may at times work very hard to avoid thinking about and/or talking about the betrayal, possibly engaging in escapist behaviors (drinking, binge eating, etc.)
Triggers for Betrayal Trauma
Typically, a betrayed partner’s deepest pain comes not from the actual sexual or romantic acts in which the cheater engaged but from the loss of relationship trust that results. In other words, it’s the lies, secrets, manipulation, and gaslighting the cheating partner engages in that causes the most hurt to the betrayed partner. So, anything that pushes the “I don’t trust you” button is likely to trigger an emotional tailspin for the betrayed partner. Some of the most common triggers are discussed below.
Memories
Memories that trigger betrayal trauma can be both good and bad. You may think about a great vacation you had, but then you will find yourself wondering if your partner was cheating on you at that time. Or you may remember past fights and how they led to you or your partner withdrawing emotionally, and that memory will bring up feelings of betrayal.
Behaviors of Others
These behaviors might be your partner’s, or someone else’s. For example, something as simple and seemingly innocuous as the cheating partner returning from work five minutes later than usual without calling to say why can send you spinning. Similarly, you might be triggered by seeing a happy couple holding hands in a restaurant, as this may cause you to wonder why your own relationship is not so happy and carefree. Even efforts by your partner to not act out can be a trigger, such as turning away when an attractive person is nearby.
Dreams
As we see with actual memories, dreams that trigger feelings of betrayal trauma can be either good or bad. Nightmares, of course, are a common symptom with all forms of trauma. You may find yourself dreaming about your partner’s betrayal, betrayals that occurred long before you even met your partner, or even the possibility of future betrayals. You may also find yourself having happy dreams, only to wake up and suddenly feel crushed by your current reality.
Movies, TV, or Other Media
It is incredibly common for betrayed partners to be triggered by television, movies, and the like. You can be watching a really great movie and having a nice time, and suddenly there’s a topless actress, or you learn that a character is cheating, or one of the performers looks like someone your cheating partner had an affair with, and immediately you feel as if the betrayal is happening all over again.
Physical Sensations
In his book, The Body Keeps the Score, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk talks about how past traumas live on in the body, and how various physical sensations can cause a person to feel as if the trauma is happening again in the moment. If someone makes physical contact with you in a certain way, that physical sensation may bring up feelings of betrayal. You may also find that an emotional sensation in the body, like butterflies, a stress headache, or an upset stomach, reminds you of how you felt when you first learned about your partner’s betrayal.
Emotions
Strong emotions (and sometimes even subtle emotions) can remind betrayed partners of cheating, even when those emotions are unrelated to infidelity. Feelings like anger and fear are particularly powerful in this regard, as they often match the feelings that arise in the midst of learning about betrayal.
Dates or Places
Anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays can be highly triggering for betrayed partners. When these dates approach and occur, you may find yourself questioning past good times, wondering if your partner was sincere with gifts and affection, if your partner was with you but thinking of someone else, etc. Similarly, your favorite restaurant or vacation spot may be tainted if you think (or know) that your partner cheated on you in that spot.
Managing Your Triggers
Managing triggers that bring up betrayal trauma is not easy, but it can be done. The primary in-the-moment tools to use include things like breathwork, meditation, journaling, gratitude lists, engaging in reality checks with a supportive friend, and various grounding techniques. Reaching out to supportive friends, especially those who’ve experienced betrayal in their own lives, is always a great idea.
Getting Help for Betrayal Trauma
Needless to say, betrayal trauma triggers are not fun for either partner to deal with. The good news is that betrayal trauma therapy can change lives. Moreover, Seeking Integrity can help. In addition to residential and online assistance for cheaters, we offer webinars and discussion groups, online workgroups, and even an in-person weekend retreat for betrayed partners. For more information, please call us at 1-747-234-4325.
FAQs
I feel crazy. Is that normal?
If you’ve been cheated on and now you feel like you’re going crazy, you’re not alone. In fact, the rage, tears, fear, pleading, vindictiveness, and emotional instability you’re feeling are an inevitable and expected response to being cheated on. In fact, research shows that betrayed partners, after learning that their significant other has strayed, typically experience stress, anxiety, and depressive symptoms characteristic of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Is it any wonder that you’re experiencing flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, hypervigilance, depression, mood swings, and an inability to focus on and manage basic tasks of day-to-day life?
Am I to blame for my partner’s behavior?
Sadly, cheating partners often push blame for infidelity onto the betrayed partner. They might say things like: If you weren’t so hostile, I never would have cheated. A statement like this ignores the reality of betrayal. Your partner’s choice to cheat was your partner’s choice, not yours. Nothing you did or didn’t do caused them to make this decision.
Will I ever feel normal again?
The good news is that regardless of whether your partner changes their behavior, you can heal from betrayal trauma. With effort and proper support, you can heal and get back to normal. Yes, there will always be before the infidelity and after the infidelity, so trust will look and feel different in the future – not just with your partner but everyone. But with a bit of effort, you will still be able to trust and feel safe.