Scott Brassart

Shame is the enemy of intimacy. This feeling of being “not good enough” or “defective” in some meaningful way causes individuals to hide important parts of themselves. In other words, when we feel shame, we tend to withdraw, lie, keep secrets, and basically hide or run from our true selves. This causes us to wear protective masks – to pretend to be the person we think others want us to be – rather than simply feeling OK in our own skin and sharing who we really are.

Needless to say, this response to shame prevents the true connection that is intimacy. It is a powerful barrier to being fully open, honest, and vulnerable with another person. And when addiction sets in, especially sex or porn addiction, both the shame and the disconnection it causes increase. In fact, by the time sex/porn addicts (and their betrayed partners) reach out to Seeking Integrity for help, their relationship can feel more like a parent/child or roommate situation than a romantically intimate connection.

Please note: guilt and shame are not the same thing. Guilt is a healthy and necessary sense that you have violated your moral code, values, and standards, or that you have stepped on someone else’s rights. Shame is a sense of being a failure as a person, of not being good enough, of feeling doubt about yourself at your very core. When we feel shame, we feel as if there is something fundamentally wrong with us.

Examples of guilt:

• I made a mistake.
• I did a bad thing.
• My behavior was hurtful.

Examples of shame:

• I am a mistake.
• I am a bad person.
• I am defective and unlovable.

Guilt is a healthy human emotion that tells us we have done something wrong, and we need to correct or amend our behavior. Shame, on the other hand, is an internal feeling of “badness” that consistently flares up, especially if/when a person is acting out with sex or porn addiction.

Guilt implies: “I did something regrettable, and I regret my actions.” Shame implies: “I did something bad because I am a bad person, and there is nothing at all that I can do about that.” Guilt is a positive force in terms of changing behavior; shame is quite the opposite.

Shame also leads to a distorted self-image – negative beliefs that inaccurately color the way we see ourselves and the world. For addicts, a distorted (mostly negative) self-image can be highly destructive. Consider the following belief held by nearly every addict: I am a bad person, unworthy of love and true connection. A distorted view of self like that can and often does lead to the following thoughts, feelings, and behaviors:

• I can’t tell anyone about my addiction, or they’ll know how awful I am.
• I will pretend to be “normal,” smiling and acting as if everything is OK no matter how miserable and depressed I am.
• I will “get mine” as revenge for being shorted in life, acting out whenever and wherever I feel like it without regard for others.

The good news is that once addicts finally begin to understand that they are good people who have behaved badly rather than bad people who were just doing what bad people do, their process of healing can truly begin.

The most effective way to combat shame and a distorted self-image is by stating affirmations to the contrary. Affirmations are powerful messages that confirm our worth, reminding us that who we are today is OK and enough. Affirmations validate that we are not defined by past behaviors, no matter how bad those behaviors were. Affirmations are stated aloud daily, often several times per day, to replace our shame-distorted sense of self with self-esteem.

Many recovering addicts, especially those new to the healing process, struggle to come up with positive affirmations. If that is the case for you, the following list may help.

1. I am working my recovery.
2. I am an imperfect yet worthwhile person.
3. I have value and worth.
4. I can love myself and accept my past.
5. I am a worthwhile person, exactly as God intended me to be.
6. I am finding my integrity one day at a time.
7. I am worthy of love and acceptance, exactly as I am.
8. Today, I choose to live in the moment.
9. My past actions do not define me in the present.
10. I can give and receive love.
11. I respect the boundaries of others.
12. I am recovering with the help of others.
13. I have done bad things but I am not a bad person.
14. It is OK for me to talk to others about what I am thinking and feeling.
15. I am letting go of my shame.
16. I am fully present today.
17. I can heal and forgive myself for the harms I have caused.
18. I am a better person today than I was yesterday.
19. I can ask for and accept help when I need it, without feeling ashamed.
20. Today, I choose to reach out to others before I act out in my addiction.
21. I have compassion for myself and for others.
22. I am happy living my life one day at a time.
23. I am striving for progress, not perfection.
24. I am living a better life today than yesterday.
25. I am making positive changes in my life, one step at a time.
26. Today, my heart is clean.
27. I am fearlessly and rigorously honest in all aspects of life.
28. Outward failures are learning opportunities. They no longer dishearten me.
29. I am living a life of integrity.
30. Today, I am living my values.
31. Negative feelings are just feelings. They don’t last.
32. I honor who I am.
33. I am worth loving. There is love all around me.
34. I am recovering and healing, one day at a time.
35. I am enough.
36. I am the right person, in the right place, at the right time.
37. Today, I choose to be myself, and to be happy with who I am.
38. I believe in myself and my abilities.
39. Today, I will do small things with great love.
40. My sobriety is a journey, not a destination. Today I will enjoy the journey.
41. My recovery works when I work it.
42. I am worth the effort of recovery.
43. I am responsible for the effort, not the outcome.
44. Today, I am stronger than my addiction.
45. I like myself.
46. Happiness is within me.
47. My life belongs to me, not my addiction.
48. I appreciate and cherish the true me more and more each day.
49. I am a happy, peaceful person.
50. I am a strong person with healthy habits.
51. I am capable of healthy relationships with others.
52. My spirit is healing.
53. Today, I am walking the right path.
54. I am living as God intended.
55. All my problems have a solution.
56. I am proud of myself.
57. I deserve to be sober and to heal.
58. I can and I will.
59. Today, I have a choice. And the choice I make is sobriety.
60. When troubled, I can stop, breathe, and reach out for help.

Recovering addicts who are interested in combating shame as a way to rebuild intimacy should consider Seeking Integrity’s Healthy Intimacy and Sexuality workgroup. This online workgroup examines not only the impact of shame and how to overcome it, but healthy communication techniques and ways to healthfully connect in relationship.

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If you or someone you care about is struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, help is available. Seeking Integrity offers inpatient treatment for sex, porn, and substance/sex addicts, as well as low-cost online workgroups. At the same time, SexandRelationshipHealing.com offers a variety of free webinars and drop-in discussion groups, podcasts, and more.