Catching a Cheating Husband

If your partner cheats on you, you will notice subtle as well as obvious changes in your relationship, both sexually and emotionally. In all likelihood, your gut will tell you something is wrong and infidelity is the probable culprit. That said, it’s important to gather evidence before confronting your partner with your suspicions. 

First and foremost, gathering evidence before you accuse your partner of cheating ensures your fears are based on facts rather than unfounded suspicions, which gives you confidence as you enter into this difficult conversation. It also makes it more difficult for a cheating partner to lie or gaslight about his behavior. It also elevates the odds of a productive, honest conversation that can help you save your relationship.

Trust Your Instincts

The first sign that your partner is cheating is that your intuition tells you that’s the case. Basically, you will notice that things are feeling a bit “off” in your relationship. Often, this involves emotional (and sometimes physical) distancing by your partner. In such cases, your gut will let you know that something is wrong. If your gut is telling you that infidelity might be the cause of your discomfort, it’s probably correct. 

Recognizing Signs of Cheating

Common signs of cheating include but are by no means limited to the following: 

• Changes in Your Sexual and Emotional Intimacy
• Periods of Unreachability 
• Protectiveness with Electronic Devices
• Lies, Secrets, and Inconsistent Explanations
• Hypercriticism
• False Accusations of Cheating 
• Altered Schedule
• Inconsistent Expenses
• Uncomfortable Friends 

If you notice some or even all of these signs, it is quite possible that your partner is cheating on you. If so, it is time to investigate further. 

Observe His Behavior

The first thing to look for is shifts in your partner’s behavior. If they were never late coming home from work before, but now it’s a habit, take note. The same is true if their phone use is suddenly secretive, his social media posting style has changed, or there are changes in his spending habits, mode of dress, etc. Also pay attention to what he tells you when you ask about these changes. If his explanations seem faulty or are inconsistent, he’s probably lying about something. 

Ask for Phone and Message Access

If you are worried about infidelity, ask to examine your partner’s phone and other digital devices. Typically, the best way to approach this is to say, “I’ve been feeling apprehensive about our relationship lately, and I’m struggling to trust you. If you were willing to share phone and account access with me so I can reassure myself, that would really help me rebuild my level of trust.” Make it clear that you do not want to spy on your partner, you simply need this because you want to feel safe in your relationship. 

When you gain access to your partner’s devices, look for evidence of cheating in the obvious places (texts, apps, emails, and browser histories). Also search in less obvious ways, looking for images and videos that may be stored in hidden or disguised folders. Look for hidden or disguised apps, social media accounts, credit cards, and financial accounts, too. 

If your partner doesn’t want to provide you with access to his digital devices, that is a bad sign. In such cases, you can search dating sites, hookup apps, and the like to see if he is on one of them. Those apps have search features by name, email address, and even profile pics. Look for similar evidence on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, WhatsApp, and elsewhere. 

Using Tracking Apps

In addition to asking for access to your partner’s phone and other digital devices, you can install an app that lets you track his location. Please do not do this without consent. As with phone access, it is best to let your partner know that you are struggling with trust, and this will help. Once you have a tracking app in place, you can keep an eye on where your partner is. If you find that he says he’s one place but the app says another, that is at best suspicious. If he refuses to allow you to install such an app, that is also a bad sign. 

Talking to Mutual Friends

Sadly, betrayed partners are typically the last person to know about their loved one’s infidelity. Friends and even family members are often privy to secrets and gossip but keep their mouths closed about it, for fear of overstepping their boundaries. Because of this, they may feel uncomfortable around you. They might also try to avoid you or, more often, be overly nice to you. 

In such cases, you should gently initiate a conversation with them, voicing your concerns about your relationship and asking if they can provide you with information to help you know what’s going on. Let them know that you value your friendship and their perspective and be clear that you simply want clarity about your relationship. When approached in this fashion, true friends will provide honest answers. 

Unannounced Visits

Cheaters can be incredibly sneaky. They will memorize your routine, so they can engage in infidelity when you are busy and less likely to notice. They may also take advantage of your knowledge of their routine. If they are normally at the gym from 7 to 9 p.m., they may choose to start skipping that and using that timeframe to cheat. If you are worried about this with your partner, you can occasionally vary your schedule or stop by the gym (or wherever) unannounced to see what’s really going on. 

Hiring a Private Investigator

If you’ve tried the options listed above without finding evidence of cheating but your gut still insists that your partner is cheating, you may want to employ a private investigator. You might also do this if you find that you don’t have the heart to “sherlock” on your own, or if your partner will not cooperate in terms of letting you examine his digital devices. Private investigations can be expensive, but they provide unbiased, professional surveillance that can give you clarity one way or another. 

Open and Honest Communication

If you find evidence of cheating in your relationship, the best thing to do is approach your partner openly and honestly with the evidence you have gathered. You can then express your fears about what might happen to your relationship. Try to focus on the hurt you are feeling, rather than your anger. This type of open approach can foster honest communication about your relationship that will likely not happen if one or both of you is overtly furious. 

Therapy for Infidelity in Sherman Oaks, CA

Happily, infidelity is not an automatic death knell for your relationship. It simply means that you and your partner have a lot of work to do in therapy for infidelity if you want to stay together and move forward in a healthier relationship. Happily, Seeking Integrity offers support to both betrayed partners and cheaters seeking to change their behavior and rebuild trust. For more information, please call us at 1-747-234-4325. We will be happy to help you or your loved one get started on the pathway to healing.