Are You Worried About Infidelity?

In his book Out of the Doghouse, Seeking Integrity’s Founding Director, Dr. Rob Weiss, defines cheating as “the breaking of trust that occurs when you keep intimate, meaningful secrets from your primary romantic partner.” It is important to notice that this definition of cheating does not talk specifically about affairs, porn, strip clubs, hookup apps, or any other specific sexual or romantic act. Instead, it focuses on what matters most to a betrayed partner—the loss of relationship trust. 

But how do you know if your partner is betraying your trust? First and foremost, we will tell you to trust your gut. If your gut tells you that something is wrong in your relationship, it’s likely that you’re right. If you need confirmation before you confront your partner with your suspicions of cheating, we suggest that you look for the following common signs of infidelity. These might include, among other signs:

• Changes in Your Sexual and Emotional Intimacy
• Periods of Unreachability 
• Protectiveness with Electronic Devices
• Lies, Secrets, and Inconsistent Explanations
• Hypercriticism
• False Accusations of Cheating 
• Altered Schedule
• Inconsistent Expenses
• Uncomfortable Friends 

Changes in Your Sexual and Emotional Intimacy

When infidelity occurs, the relationship at home changes both sexually and emotionally. You may notice either increased or decreased levels of sex in your relationship, or sexual interactions that are different than what they’ve been in the past (new activities, different vibe, etc.) Less sex might occur because your partner is focused on someone else; more sex might occur because your partner is trying to cover that up. 

You may also notice a change in your level of emotional connection. Couples tend to bond over time, learning to trust one another with their secrets, desires, and other important aspects of life. If your partner suddenly seems less emotionally vulnerable and intimate with you and does not seem to want you to be emotionally vulnerable and intimate, that’s a strong indication that the relationship focus has shifted—possibly to an affair partner.

Periods of Unreachability

Cheating partners are less likely to answer your calls and respond to your texts in a timely fashion. You may hear legitimate-sounding excuses later, like they were in a meeting, they were driving, and they were in a “dead zone” and didn’t know you were trying to reach them. There might also be times when your partner simply disappears with no viable explanation. If your partner is unreachable while working late or on a business trip, that’s an especially bad sign.

Protectiveness with Electronic Devices

The primary venue for engaging with pornography and for finding and communicating with hookup and affair partners is through digital devices. If your partner’s devices suddenly require a password, or your partner is suddenly deleting old texts and browser histories, or your partner guards their phone like the royal jewels, that’s not a good sign.

Lies, Secrets, and Inconsistent Explanations

If your partner is cheating on you, the absolute last thing in the world that they want to do is talk about it with you. Thus, when you introduce this topic in conversation, your partner may try to deflect and avoid. If you’ve confronted your partner about infidelity and been rebuffed, maybe with a message like, “If you trusted me a little more, maybe things would be better between us,” you should not let that override your gut sense that something is wrong.

You might also find that you catch your partner telling lies, keeping secrets, or giving inconsistent explanations about where they’ve been and what they’ve been doing. That said, most cheaters are quite good at lying, so you may only find out what they’ve been doing after some detective work. 

Hypercriticism

Cheaters tend to rationalize their behavior (in their own minds). One way they do this is to push the blame for their choice to cheat onto their betrayed partner. As such, cheaters may become judgmental toward both you and their relationship with you. If it suddenly seems like nothing you do is right, or that things that used to not bother your partner suddenly do, or as if you’re being intentionally pushed away, that could be a strong indication of cheating. 

False Accusations of Cheating

Traveling hand in hand with hypercriticism are false accusations of cheating. A cheating partner might attempt to justify their infidelity by telling themselves that you are also cheating and you did it first. Then, when they’ve convinced themselves of this “fact,” they’ll voice their concerns to you. Cheaters might also use these accusations to “flip the script” if/when you want to speak with them about your fears of infidelity. 

Altered Schedule

When your partner—who has never once worked late or gone on a business trip—suddenly needs to work late and go on business trips, that’s a possible sign of cheating. Flat tires, dead batteries, traffic jams, spending extra time at the gym, and similar excuses for being late (or absent altogether) can also signal infidelity. 

Inconsistent Expenses

If there are unexplained or odd charges on your partner’s credit cards or there is suddenly less money in your or your partner’s bank accounts, retirement accounts, investment accounts, etc., that’s a possible sign of infidelity. If you ask your partner about these expenses and the answers you get seem untrue, they probably are untrue.

Uncomfortable Friends

With infidelity, betrayed partners are nearly always the last person to know. The cheater’s friends often know about the infidelity right from the start, and your own friends are likely to find out long before you do. This knowledge typically causes these individuals to feel uncomfortable around you. The cheater’s friends will either avoid you or be overly nice to you. Your own friends may try to avoid conversations about your relationship, and they, too, might try to compensate by being extra nice.

Dealing with Cheating

Learning about your supposedly monogamous partner’s infidelity is likely to launch you on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute, you’ll feel incredibly angry, the next sad, and the next you’ll feel nothing but love. Most of the time, you won’t have any idea what pushes you from one mood to the next. 

The first few weeks and months after the discovery of infidelity are typically incredibly difficult. Your emotions are all over the place. You don’t know if you can trust anything the cheater says or does. You don’t know if your relationship can survive this trauma or even if you want it to survive. So, our advice to you is to not make any major relational decisions during this volatile timeframe. Instead, put your relationship in a “safe harbor” while you make sense of the situation and your partner (hopefully) begins the process of rebuilding relationship trust.

Infidelity Therapy in Sherman Oaks, CA

Happily, infidelity is not an automatic death knell for your relationship. It simply means that you and your partner have a lot of work to do in infidelity therapy if you want to stay together and move forward in a healthier relationship. 

Happily, Seeking Integrity offers support to both betrayed partners and cheaters seeking to change their behavior and rebuild trust. For more information, please call us at 1-747-234-4325. We will be happy to help you or your loved one get started on the pathway to healing.