Everything was going so well.
You look over at your partner, and feel a sudden surge of anger, unexpectedly taking your breath away. They’ve been unfaithful in the past, but that was almost a year ago. It isn’t fair, but you feel like crying, overwhelmed and confused. How long will you keep feeling this way?
Infidelity is an epidemic, and research suggests that it occurs in up to 25% of marriages, and primarily by men. These betrayals leave partners feeling shocked, angry, and hurt. More than that, they represent very real trauma that can take significant effort and work to overcome.
At Seeking Integrity, our mission is to not only help your partner with their sex or porn addiction, but to help you through the accompanying trauma and difficulties. That’s why we provide a dedicated couple’s therapist for each person, not simply the one seeking treatment.
Today, we’re going to discuss the stages of betrayal trauma – what they are, and how you can navigate them.
Understanding Betrayal Trauma
Betrayal trauma results when an intimate or close relationship betrays our trust. This betrayal can take many forms – most commonly emotional abuse, persistent lying, and infidelity. Our brains are wired to protect us from danger, and the powerful negative emotions from this trauma are stored along with the memories.
For months and sometimes years afterward, when those memories return, the same feelings of betrayal, anger, and hopelessness come back as if they were fresh. Even what seem like completely unrelated things can suddenly trigger the underlying trauma. An old song, or the way someone laughs, can lead to a renewed sense of anger and bitterness.
These sudden emotions can lead many people to feel like they’re going crazy, or that their emotions aren’t “real” because they’re about events in the past. You may feel a sense of shame, that you aren’t good enough. But this is not true. Your feelings are valid and genuine, however fresh the emotional wounds. The damage caused by betrayal trauma is real, and processing and moving past these emotions is how you recover and reclaim your life.
The Stages of Betrayal Trauma
While betrayal trauma takes a different pattern for every individual, it is often understood as passing through several distinct stages. These mirror the stages of grief, another intensely negative emotion that can lead to trauma. And in a sense, feelings of betrayal are close to a form of grief. Grief for the life you had, as well as anger or resentment toward the one who betrayed you.
Yet trauma of any kind is complex, and these stages are no exception. You may find yourself shifting between them, or experiencing multiple at once. These guidelines are meant to help you navigate this process, rather than strictly define a path.
The Initial Betrayal: Shock, Confusion, and Pain
Who was that? Why would he text her that? I don’t understand…
The “shock” phase of betrayal trauma begins with the initial emotional betrayal. This can mean discovering your partner’s infidelity, or catching them in a lie after they’ve promised to stop texting someone. Regardless, the consequences are immediate and sharp.
Intensely negative emotions – anger, fear, and even disgust or disbelief can quickly follow. Some instead freeze up, feeling emotionally numb and empty. If left unaddressed, these emotions can bubble up unexpectedly for months or even years down the line.
Defense Mechanisms: Denial and Willful Ignorance
This isn’t happening to me, they would never do that…
Denial is a common response as the initial shock begins to fade. This is why some partners are able to explain away their infidelity – as denial sets in, people are desperate to rationalize away what they’ve found. You can feel trapped, almost in a haze, unable to see what’s in front of you or effectively process your emotions.
This behavior is typically used as a coping mechanism. It’s your brain’s way of protecting you from negative feelings and experiences. However, denial can only keep you from reality for so long. Eventually, you have to face the world as it is.
Cracks in Your Armor: Obsession and Uncertainty
Why, why would they do that, was I just not good enough? Will I ever be good enough?
As cracks begin to appear in the denial defense mechanisms, you may experience powerful bouts of uncertainty, fear, and anxiety. You find yourself wondering if you could have stopped the betrayal, questioning whether or not you were good enough, and constantly thinking about what went wrong.
As time passes, these feelings and thoughts can grow overwhelming, taking up more and more of your mental energy. Even old trauma can rear up, and you may find yourself itching to read through your partner’s emails or text messages. It’s not uncommon for these insecurities and fears to appear even in new and healthy relationships.
Emotional Overload: Confusion, Bitterness, and Anger
I can’t stand even looking at them. Has our whole relationship been a lie?
This is where the stages truly begin to bleed into one another. As your thoughts cycle back to your trauma repeatedly, each memory relives the experience, bringing out these emotions over and over again. Anger and bitterness can be intense, directed at both your partner and yourself.
These emotions can explode out of seemingly nowhere, especially if left unresolved. It’s not uncommon to feel that things were going well, your relationship on the mend, only to suddenly feel intense disgust or anger from the past.
Making a Deal: The Bargaining Phase
If only I had paid more attention, if only they didn’t travel so much, if only we weren’t so busy…
The bargaining phase is one not every person will experience, but it remains common. Here, you look to understand and ultimately regain control over the situation by making a deal. With yourself, with your partner, with a higher power – anything to move past your pain and grief.
This can take many forms. Bargaining can be about the past, an attempt to justify and understand what happened. This might mean telling yourself that if only you had paid more attention, things would have been different. It can also be about the future: for example, you and your partner agreeing to behavioral limits, who they can text or see and when.
The reality is, though, that bargaining does little to resolve the underlying damage the betrayal has caused. Without effectively addressing the behavior and trauma, the cycle will likely continue.
The Cost of Trauma: Depression and Despair
Nothing will ever be the same again…
As the emotions continue to cycle, a deep sadness and even depression can set in. Sadness at the realization that your relationship has been forever changed, and that the person you loved caused it. Sadness at being unable to break free from your emotional pain.
This can spill over into other relationships, causing some people to grow pessimistic and isolated. Remember however, that whatever your past, only you define your future. It is always possible to recover, and your life is yours to reclaim.
Acceptance
…and that’s okay.
Acceptance is an often misunderstood part of recovering from trauma. Acceptance does not mean you are okay with what happened or that you will never feel emotional pain again. It does not have to mean that your relationship is fully healed and recovered. Acceptance does not even have to mean forgiveness.
Instead, acceptance means you have addressed the behavior and understand what it means for you and your relationships. It means that when you reflect on what has happened, there may still be pain – but now, you have the tools and strength to handle that pain. It means that your future is no longer controlled by your past.
For some, this can lead to a rekindling of their relationship with the one who betrayed them. Many couples, especially those who receive effective relationship counseling, are able to restore their bonds and connection.
Regardless of your path forward, acceptance is the first step away from trauma, and into the rest of your life.
Healing From Betrayal Trauma in Sherman Oaks, California
When recovering from the trauma of a betrayal, it can seem like there’s no end. You can recognize the different stages, and more than that, you’re living with them. But all you want to do is stop hurting, to be able to trust again, and to connect with your loved ones.
Trauma does not always have an expiration date. If you find that as months pass you’re unable to heal, it might be time to seek professional help. There are relationship experts available who specialize in healing after betrayal, and you never have to go through this journey alone. Seeking help can be the first step toward putting yourself and your life back together.
Our mission is to move relationship healing and treatment for sex addiction into the 21st century. That’s why at Seeking Integrity, all of our staff are industry-leading clinicians who specialize in relationship trauma and betrayal. Our master’s-level therapists are here for you every step of the way, and are available to help you and your loved ones reclaim your lives. Please connect with us today by phone at 747-234-4325, or by visiting our website’s contact page.
Integrity. Expertise. Recovery.
FAQs
Q: What does betrayal trauma do to a person?
Betrayal trauma can lead to very real emotional and psychological damage, mirroring grief. It hurts, emotionally and sometimes physically. It can result in difficulties trusting or establishing healthy relationships, and long-term trauma can lead to depression and anxiety.
Q: How long does betrayal trauma last?
Betrayal trauma can last until the underlying trauma has been addressed. For many people, this can take upward of a year, though the specifics can vary. Seeking treatment and therapy for trauma often speed this process up.