When a relationship is impacted by infidelity or sexual addiction, couples counseling should be part of the healing process. In fact, couples counseling – where the relationship is the client rather than either of the individuals – can help even the most contentious couples heal and find their way forward into a happier, more honest, and more intimate relationship. That said, couples therapy is not a one-size-fits-all approach to healing. Nor is it a guarantee of relationship improvement. 

Signs Couples Therapy Is Not Working

There are countless reasons couples counseling can be ineffective, the most common of which are discussed below.

Misaligned Expectations About Couples Therapy

Many couples embark on couples counseling with unrealistic expectations. They hope their therapist will simply wave a magic wand and their relationship will suddenly be perfect. This is unfortunate. Therapists are not miracle workers; they are counselors who provide guidance and advice regarding honesty, productive communication, and healthy boundaries. 

It is up to the couple to implement this advice and guidance. Moreover, it takes time before improvement becomes apparent, as each half of the coupleship must make individual changes to their thinking and behavior. So, couples counseling requires active participation from both parties not just in the therapy office but at home. If even one partner is not fully on board, couples counseling will be less than effective. 

Lack of Commitment to Couples Therapy

As stated above, if even one partner is not fully on board, couples counseling will be less than effective. Both partners must fully commit to the process of relational change; without that, progress will be minimal or even nonexistent. The relationship may even deteriorate as the couple loses hope. 

Change is necessary for relationship improvement. If one or both partners resist changes, the relationship will continue to struggle. Thus, each partner must challenge themselves to think and behave differently – focusing more on the coupleship and less on themselves. 

Sadly, there are times when one partner is simply checking off a box to prove they want to be in the relationship, with no real interest in doing any work on themselves. Other times, one partner wants the therapist to put all the onus for relationship problems and behavior change onto the other partner. For example, betrayed partners often want the counselor to tell the cheating partner that everything is their fault and, therefore, they must do all the work of healing.

That is just not how couples counseling works. Dysfunctional relationship patterns are created by the couple, and both parties must engage in the process of changing them. 

Dishonest Or Incomplete Communication

The biggest issue couples face after learning about infidelity or sex/porn addiction is the loss of relationship trust. In fact, research conducted by Seeking Integrity’s Founding Director, Dr. Rob Weiss, shows that it’s not any specific sexual or romantic act that causes the most pain to a betrayed partner, it’s the loss of relationship trust. Betrayed partners wonder if they can trust anything the cheater has ever said or done, let alone what they’re saying and doing in the moment. 

Thus, as you might expect, one of the primary goals couples therapy, particularly after infidelity is discovered, is working to rebuild relationship trust. Until that process begins, forward progress will be slow. Unfortunately, cheating partners are often not ready (or not willing) to share the full truth about their thinking about behavior. This reticence is typically obvious to both betrayed partners and any decent therapist, and it presents a major roadblock to healing.

Unresolved Individual Issues

Couples therapy will struggle if one partner is not able to fully focus on the relationship because of their individual issues. With couples, one such issue is often a substance or sex/porn addiction that is not yet under control. But that is hardly the only impediment to couples work. Depression, severe anxiety, unresolved early-life trauma, and deeply rooted attachment issues can have a huge impact. If these issues are getting in the way of productive couples therapy, it is a good idea to pause couples work until one or both individuals are more stabilized and therefore better able to understand and process relational issues without getting defensive or shutting down emotionally. 

Poor Timing (Too Late)

Sometimes couples wait until their relationship is in crisis to seek out couples therapy. By this point, painful issues may have festered for years, creating deep emotional wounds and communication gaps that are difficult to heal. Some couples may need to untangle years or even decades of dysfunctional relationship patterns. Generally, it is wise to start couples therapy before a crisis to get the best results – with the exception noted below.

Poor Timing (Too Soon)

When there is an unresolved behavioral issue with one of the partners – sex/porn addiction, for instance – it is wise to address that individual issue first. Until the addiction is under control, the relationship cannot hope to fully heal so couples therapy may be wasted. In such cases, pausing couples therapy while the addict breaks through denial and establishes a semblance of sobriety also gives the betrayed partner a chance to view the situation for what it is and gain some clarity over how they might want to proceed. That said, a few couples sessions to simply establish day-to-day boundaries about household tasks and healthy communication may be helpful early on. Deeper issues, however, should probably wait. 

Wrong Therapist

For successful couples work, it is imperative to find the right therapist. Both parties must feel comfortable with this choice, and the therapist should view the relationship as the client rather than one or both of the partners. The focus on couples counseling should be the relationship itself, rather than individual issues that one or both of the partners might have. This approach avoids triangulation, where the therapist becomes a “tool” used by one of the partners to get their way. 

If infidelity or sex/porn addiction are in play, it is imperative to find a couples therapist who knows how to deal with this specifically. We suggest looking for a CSAT designation (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) after the therapist’s name. Clinicians who are not specifically trained to deal with these painful problems may do more harm than good. 

Overcoming Challenges to Good Couples Therapy

If you can recognize challenges to successful couples therapy and address them head-on, you are more likely to achieve positive results. Thus, it is imperative that you and your partner approach couples work knowing what is required. To that end, it is wise to discuss potential pitfalls prior to embarking on this journey. If you and your partner are both committed to honesty and putting the relationship rather than your individual selves first, there is a good chance you will benefit from this endeavor. 

What to Do If Couples Therapy Is Not Working

If you and your partner are trying your best to achieve positive results with couples counseling, but nevertheless seem to be stuck, there are still a few options to pursue. 

• Change the Timing: You and your partner can agree to temporarily halt couples counseling to focus on individual work. Then, when you are both feeling stronger and more able to handle coupleship issues, you can return to this work. 
• Switch Therapists: Not all therapists are the same. This is as true with couples counseling as any other form of counseling. It may be that you and your partner are ready and willing to do the work that is needed, but you are simply not in sync with your therapist. In such cases, a change of scenery can do wonders.
• Examine Your Goals: Sometimes couples need to look at why they are in couples counseling. Are you trying to overcome the pain wrought by a singular issue (like infidelity)? Are you trying to improve a relationship that is mostly enjoyable and happy? Or perhaps you are trying to salvage a wreck that isn’t worth salvaging?  If it’s the latter, perhaps you should ask your couples therapist to help the two of you process that so you can move forward, as individuals, into something better. 

Whether or Not to File for Divorce

Couples therapists are taught to value the relationship above all else. As such, they are unlikely to say things like, “The two of you are totally incompatible,” or, “There might be too much pain and anger for the two of you to overcome and reconcile.” Thus, a decision about whether to break up or not is up to you and your partner. 

You and your partner are the only people who really know the depth of love you feel (or don’t feel) for one another. That said, if one of you consistently doesn’t want to be part of the relationship, it is probably time to move on, and this is true even if you are financially and socially entangled and have kids. Living in ongoing, unfixable misery is ultimately bad for everyone involved. 

Do not, however, confuse the rollercoaster of emotions that travel hand-in-hand with infidelity and other relationship issues with a consistent desire to move on. Every relationship has ups and downs. No connection is perfect. So, look honestly at your relationship to see if there is more good than bad. If there is (or could be), then you’ve got something worth saving. 

Getting Couples Therapy at Seeking Integrity in Sherman Oaks, CA

Happily, infidelity is not an automatic death knell for your relationship. It simply means that you and your partner have a lot of work to do in infidelity therapy if you want to stay together and move forward in a healthier relationship. 

Happily, Seeking Integrity offers support to both betrayed partners and cheaters seeking to change their behavior and rebuild trust. For more information, please call us at 1-747-234-4325. We will be happy to help you or your loved one get started on the pathway to healing. 

FAQs

Q: How do you define cheating?

A: Seeking Integrity’s Chief Clinical Officer, Dr. Robert Weiss, created the following digital-age definition of infidelity for his highly regarded book Out of the Doghouse. Infidelity (cheating) is the breaking of trust that occurs when you keep intimate, meaningful secrets from your primary romantic partner. Interestingly, this definition of cheating does not talk about affairs, porn, strip clubs, hookup apps, or any other specific sexual or romantic act. Instead, it focuses on what matters most to a betrayed partner: the loss of relationship trust. 

Q: Can cheaters change? 

A: Many people believe that a person who cheats once will cheat repeatedly, and that a person who cheats repeatedly will never choose to stop. Happily, this is not the case. With proper guidance, even chronic cheaters can stop engaging in infidelity and re-earn relationship trust.

Q: Do all cheaters qualify as sex addicts?

A: No. Not every person who commits infidelity qualifies as a sex or porn addict. In fact, most people who betray a loving partner are not addicted. That said, the issues that drive sexual addiction and simple infidelity are often the same. So, if you’ve cheated and you’re wondering if Seeking Integrity can help you stop the infidelity and repair your damaged relationship, stop wondering. The answer is yes, we can.