You can see the text messages. You know they’ve been cheating on you, the evidence is right in front of you.
“You’re crazy, that’s not what I meant. It’s just an inside joke from work.”
You can’t believe what you’re hearing, but…your husband loves you. He wouldn’t lie to you. Maybe you really are imagining things.
This behavior is known as gaslighting, and no, you aren’t crazy. With gaslighting, your partner tries to convince you of something that isn’t true, making you question what you’re really seeing or hearing. And unfortunately, you aren’t alone – evidence suggests that as many as 1 in 4 women have experienced gaslighting from a romantic partner. At Seeking Integrity, we specialize in relationships and infidelity, and we see this all too often when someone has been unfaithful.
So today, we’re going to talk about gaslighting, giving you the tools you need to know to answer the question – did your partner just gaslight you?
Understanding Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation and abuse. In it, the victim is made to question their sense of reality, either through logical leaps or by rejecting the evidence in front of them. Gaslighting can make you feel like you’re going crazy, that nobody will believe you, or that you can’t trust your sense of reality. In reality, none of these things are true – you are being manipulated to agree with the gaslighter, to view things from their version of events, no matter how much that version contradicts reality.
As time goes on, this manipulation can completely warp your perception of the world. Even blatant evidence of lying or infidelity can seem innocent after a brief explanation. Gaslighting is a form of control, where the person doesn’t just want you to go along with what they’re saying. Instead, they want you to fully agree with them and see things from their point of view.
Common Signs and Examples of Gaslighting
Gaslighting seems like it should be obvious in isolation. But that’s what makes it so insidious, its ability to slowly warp perception to fit its own narrative. Thankfully, there are red flags to look out for, which can often be easier to spot than the underlying lies. If you recognize these in your relationship, you may have experienced gaslighting.
- You find yourself apologizing, but you aren’t sure what you did wrong. This can be a sign that you were manipulated into feeling bad for something you didn’t do, or that the gaslighter shifted blame onto you.
- Your friends approach you, concerned. While gaslighters are good at manipulating their partner’s perceptions, your loved ones often see things with much clearer eyes. If your family or friends express concerns about your relationship, listen to them. They may be wrong, but there is a good chance they are seeing things you cannot.
- You frequently wonder if your memory is bad, or are constantly being told you have forgotten things. Gaslighters often lie about things in the past, then act shocked or hurt that their partner doesn’t remember the made-up event or conversation.
- You can clearly remember your partner doing something, but they deny that it happened. This may also happen in real-time, where you can actively see them or see evidence of what they have done, but they deny it.
- Feeling unsure, embarrassed, or ashamed about your decisions – especially when feeling a need to confirm with your partner before making choices. This can be a sign that you have been gaslit into thinking you can’t make good decisions on your own.
Why Does Gaslighting Happen in Relationships?
While gaslighting is most commonly thought of in a romantic context, many different types of relationships can involve gaslighting. Family relationships, either sibling or parental, sometimes have these behaviors. Research firm Gitnux underscores this point, finding that 70% of people have experienced some form of gaslighting from a coworker or supervisor.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse and is often used as a power tactic to take control of a relationship. This behavior can be incredibly damaging and dangerous, but it generally begins small. It slowly manipulates your sense of trust to create larger and larger doubts. You may be told you’ve never eaten together at a restaurant, but you can remember eating there the day before. A small mess in the house might be blamed on you, but you were sure you didn’t put those plates there…as time goes on, the gaslighter begins to take control.
When you do call out their behavior, or critique them in some way, they turn cold and distant or display intense negative emotions. You may find yourself apologizing for something they did! This is another form of gaslighting, where you are made not only to distrust your thoughts, but your feelings and emotions.
How Should You Respond if Your Partner Is Gaslighting You?
Gaslighting is a complex behavior, and comes in many different forms. While it’s usually an intentional manipulation, the person doing the gaslighting may not realize what they are doing. It might be a learned behavior that they have picked up unconsciously over the course of their life. However, just because something is not intentional, does not make it any less harmful. So, if you believe your partner is gaslighting you, there are several ways to respond.
First, recognize that gaslighting is a form of psychological control and abuse. This means that if you recognize you are being gaslit, or feel unsafe in any way, it is important to first reach out to friends or family. Your safety and well-being is a priority. It can be useful to document or journal key events. This creates a record of events you can refer to with certainty. While a gaslighting partner likely will find some way to dismiss this evidence, it enables you to have a source to rebuild your trust in your memories.
If you have good reason to believe the gaslighting was unintentional, address the behavior directly, firmly, and set boundaries for the future. Many people get defensive when their own behaviors are called out, and gaslighters especially so. It can help to describe your own perceptions and feelings, and their behaviors, using “I” statements. If the behaviors continue afterward, you can be more confident they are doing it intentionally. An example might go, “I feel really hurt when you say that I must be crazy. I remember the event differently, and our friends agree with me.”
However, this often isn’t enough. Gaslighters are skilled at twisting your statements and words around to suit their own needs. They might respond with how depressed they are that you can’t recognize how much they care about you, making you feel guilty about their behaviors. They might accuse you of having no trust in them, saying they feel angry and hurt that you would treat them this way. If the gaslighting doesn’t stop, it can be time to either leave the relationship or seek professional assistance.
Finding Relationship Healing in Sherman Oaks, California
Gaslighting, whatever the intention behind it, is a form of abuse and manipulation. Ultimately, it’s a betrayal of your trust that your partner will care for you and keep you safe. This can lead not only to feelings of confusion, pain, and despair, but also long-lasting trauma and damage. Damage to your relationship, your ability to trust, and your sense of reality.
When looking to heal from betrayal, it’s helpful to have experts there with you. Professionals who specialize in treating your own needs, and who can truly understand and explore the relationship dynamics as well. There is always a path forward, and you don’t have to walk it alone.
At Seeking Integrity, we specialize in therapy for infidelity, sex addiction, and relationship healing. Our industry-leading experts are here for you and your partner, and our mission is to help you reclaim your sense of self and connection. Each person receives their own dedicated couple’s therapist, ensuring you always have a safe space to heal. To find out more about our unique approach, reach out today at 747-234-4325 ,or through our website.
Integrity. Expertise. Recovery.
FAQs
Q: Does a gaslighter know what he’s doing?
A: Not all gaslighting is done intentionally. Someone may be unaware they are being manipulative. This is why it’s important to set boundaries and address the behavior when it comes up – if it continues afterward, then you can be increasingly sure it was intentional.