Erin Snow

In his book, Out of the Doghouse, my colleague Dr. Rob Weiss lists seven common behaviors cheaters sometimes engage in after their infidelity is uncovered that make the situation worse rather than better. One of these is putting the blame for the cheating on someone or something other than themselves.

While cheating, it’s possible you justified your actions with statements like:

• If my job wasn’t so stressful, I wouldn’t be cheating.
• What am I supposed to do when other people come onto me?
• If my partner wasn’t such a cold fish, I wouldn’t be searching for sex elsewhere.

Unfortunately, this tendency toward externalizing blame typically continues even after cheating is discovered. If you’ve cheated, you may find yourself saying things to your betrayed partner like:

• The way you’re acting, who could blame me if I went out and cheated again? When will you just let this go so we can move on with our lives?
• Why are you so upset when I’ve told you a hundred times that it was only meaningless sex? You just don’t seem to hear me when I tell you that I love only you.
• You’re so controlling now, watching every move I make. I feel like I’m five years old and you’re my mother. You’re driving me crazy and pushing me away with all of this insanity.

What cheaters tend to forget in the heat of the moment, especially when their partner is expressing anger or some other strong emotion, is that their choice to cheat was theirs and theirs alone. Nothing their partner did or did not do forced them into cheating. They decided to cheat, and now they must accept responsibility for what they’ve done.

The simple truth is that after you’ve cheated, your partner is in pain and behaving exactly the way a traumatized partner typically behaves. So, blaming your partner for your current predicament is ridiculous. No matter how much weight was gained, no matter how little sex was had, no matter how moody or kid-focused your partner has been, your partner did not make you cheat. Cheating was your choice, not your partner’s.

This means that when your partner can’t let go of the anger, you can’t say, “If you would just forgive me, then everything would get better.” First, that’s not true. Second, a statement like that, in which you’re shifting blame onto your partner, will either make your partner angrier, or it will further traumatize and distance them. It’s like getting whistled for an obvious yellow card foul in soccer, screaming at the referee about it, and then getting another yellow card, which means you’ve now got an automatic ejection. You’ve gone from bad to worse, getting yourself tossed from the match because you blamed the wrong person, who rightfully took offense. In short, blaming your partner for your decisions is a very bad idea if you want to heal your relationship.

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If you or a loved one are struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, Seeking Integrity can help. In addition to residential rehab, we offer low-cost online workgroups for male sex addicts and male porn addicts new to recovery. Click HERE for information on our Sex Addiction Workgroup. Click HERE for information on our Porn Addiction workgroup.