Erin Snow

After more than a decade of active porn addiction, Marcus, a single 29-year-old delivery driver, entered treatment. Initially, he was highly motivated and happy to be sober and working on his underlying issues. After about a year, however, he started to wonder if he would ever date or have sex. He told his therapist, “I don’t want to live like a celibate monk, which is what I’ve been doing for the last year, but I’m finding out that I have absolutely no idea how to interact with women. When I was looking at porn, everything was completely impersonal. Today, I want to have a connection, a real relationship. But I have no idea how to get there. I’m scared that everyone else my age has this figured out by now, and that if I try dating, I’ll look like a moron, or I’ll relapse, or both.

Marcus presents the two basic fears expressed by many single sex and porn addicts in the process of healing.

1. They don’t know how to date, and they’re afraid they’ll be rejected because of this. Developmentally, they feel like they’re the equivalent of a middle school student when it comes to romantic interactions. They just have no idea how to start dating in a healthy way.
2. They don’t know how to have emotional intimacy once they’ve started dating someone they like because they’ve never had a meaningful intimate connection with another person.

Marcus is hardly alone with these fears. Many, perhaps even most single sex and porn addicts new to recovery wonder if they will ever be able to date or be sexual in a healthy, non-addictive way. Sometimes, even the mere thought of this is so anathema to what they’ve been doing that it looks nearly impossible. That said, single recovering addicts are not in any way doomed to a life of sexual and romantic isolation. For these individuals, part of the healing process, typically undertaken when they’ve got six months or more of solid sobriety under their belt, is learning to date and be sexual in healthy, life-affirming ways.

There is no reason that any single sex or porn addict in recovery cannot date, find romance, and be sexual with real-world partners. The only set-in-stone constraint is that they should stay away from all red circle activities on their Circle Plan. To help with this, they should develop, in addition to their Circle Plan, a similar plan for dating.

Dating plans, like Circle Plans, begin with a listing of goals. In other words, recovering addicts need to figure out what sort of relationship(s) they are looking for, both initially and down the line. To develop their list of goals for dating, recovering sex and porn addicts should ask themselves the following questions:

• Why do I want to have a relationship?
• What do I want my relationship(s) to look like?
• Is monogamy important to me?
• Do I want kids?
• What am I willing to sacrifice for the benefit of a relationship?
• What do I bring to the table in a potential relationship?
• What should a potential relationship partner bring to the table?
• In comparison to past relationships, what do I want to be different in my future relationship(s)?

Once these and similar questions are answered, recovering addicts typically have a better idea of what they are looking for, and why, and they can then create a list of goals based on this. The list of goals for dating developed by Marcus reads as follows:

• I don’t want to be sexual with any woman before I get to know her.
• I don’t want to date anyone I wouldn’t introduce to my friends and family.
• I don’t want to date anyone who treats me badly or uses me financially.
• I don’t want to date anyone who is actively addicted (to anything).
• I want to eventually have a serious, lasting, monogamous relationship.

For some recovering porn addicts, a simple listing of goals will suffice as a dating plan. Most, however, are looking for more detailed guidance. In such cases, the more formalized Traffic Signals Dating Plan suggested below can be quite useful.

As one might expect, red lights are characteristics that are unacceptable in a dating partner. Yellow lights delineate characteristics that should cause the addict to proceed with caution. Green lights, obviously, are traits that are healthy and desirable in another person.

The traffic signals dating plan created by Marcus reads as follows:

Red Lights

• I will not date a woman who is actively addicted (to anything).
• I will not date a woman who is still seeing or living with someone else.
• I will not date a woman who lies to me about anything meaningful.
• I will not date a woman who habitually ignores my calls, texts, emails, etc.
• I will not date a woman who causes me to feel more anxious than comfortable.

Yellow Lights

• I will be cautious about a woman who seems self-centered, talking a lot more about herself than listening or being curious.
• I will be cautious about a woman who only calls when she wants or needs something.
• I will be cautious about a woman who expects me to pay for everything.
• I will be cautious about a woman who doesn’t seem to want to meet my friends or for me to meet any of her friends.
• I will be cautious about a woman who tends to nag and scold me like a mother.

Green Lights

• I am looking for a woman who displays interest in me as a person, asking about my life and my feelings.
• I am looking for a woman who offers to help me out with things I am doing and appreciates it when I do the same for her.
• I am looking for a woman who surprises me with playful experiences and enjoys it when I do the same for her.
• I am looking for a woman who has interesting hobbies and displays a sense of creativity and fun.
• I am looking for a woman who will enjoy being sexual with me, and with whom I will enjoy being sexual.

Having a solid and clearly delineated dating plan helps recovering sex and porn addicts not get caught up in the moment and forget what’s important to them when it comes to relationships. With a written dating plan, they can look at a potential new paramour and say, “Hmm, this person is super-hot, but they are also unemployed, living with an ex, and seeing three other people, all of whom contribute to their financial well-being. I think I should walk away.”

* * * * * * * * * *

If you or a loved one are struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, Seeking Integrity can help. In addition to residential rehab, we offer low-cost online workgroups for male sex addicts and male porn addicts new to recovery. Click HERE for information on our Sex Addiction Workgroup. Click HERE for information on our Porn Addiction workgroup.