Erin Snow

The degree of relationship trouble that porn addicts experience is dependent on whether they’re in a relationship to begin with and, if so, how infidelity is defined within that relationship. Unfortunately, what we often find is that relationships have assumed rather than overtly defined boundaries about things like pornography, and one partner’s assumption may not match the other’s.

In such cases, the porn user typically thinks that pornography does not count as cheating, while their partner thinks it does. Often, the user will argue that live, in-person sexual contact must take place before a behavior counts as cheating. They say things like:

• It’s only porn. Everyone looks at it. Why are you so upset?
• It’s not like I’m trying to meet the people in porn so I can run off with them.
• I swear I’m not cheating on you. This doesn’t impact our relationship at all.

The user’s partner nearly always disagrees (often vehemently) with these justifications.

So, is porn cheating or not?

A few years ago, to answer this question, Drs. Jennifer Schneider, Charles Samenow, and Rob Weiss surveyed women whose husbands were engaging in significant amounts of sextracurricular activity, either online or in the real world, with the most common online behavior being pornography. The most important finding of their study was that when it comes to the negative effects of one partner being sexual outside a supposedly monogamous relationship, online and in-person behaviors are no different. The betrayed partner feels the same emotional pain, loss of control, and loss of trust either way.

This finding confirmed Dr. Rob’s and my long-standing belief that no matter what type of extracurricular sex a person is having, it’s the lies and secrets that hurt the most. This means that it’s not any specific sexual act that does the most damage to a relationship, it’s the emotional distancing, the sense of betrayal, and the loss of relationship trust. Based on this knowledge, Dr. Rob crafted the following definition of infidelity.

Infidelity (cheating) is the breaking of trust that occurs when you keep intimate, meaningful secrets from your primary romantic partner.

Please note that this definition of cheating does not speak about pornography, strip clubs, hookup apps, affairs, or any other specific sexual or romantic act. Instead, it focuses on what matters most in relationships: mutual trust. Please also notice that this definition encompasses both online and real-world sexual behavior, as well as sexual and romantic activities that stop short of intercourse—everything from looking at porn to kissing to something as simple as flirting. Lastly, we ask you to notice that this definition is flexible depending on the couple. It lets you and your partner define your personal version of sexual fidelity based on honest discussions and mutual decision-making.

This means that in some relationships it might be just fine for one partner to look at porn (or to engage in some other form of extramarital sexual activity), as long as the other partner knows about this behavior and is OK with it. If, however, one partner is looking at porn (or engaging in some other form of extramarital sexual activity) and keeping it secret, or if the other partner knows about it and doesn’t find it acceptable, then the behavior is cheating.

Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t discuss porn and how it fits or doesn’t fit within the bounds of their relationship. Instead, they agree that they are going to have a monogamous relationship, but they don’t define what that means. One partner may think about pornography as sex outside the relationship, but the other might not. In such cases, further conversation is needed. And even if porn is defined as acceptable within the relationship, the couple may need to define what qualifies and does not qualify as porn. For example, are clothed but sexy images a form of porn?

Notably, porn addiction throws a monkey wrench into relationship trust and honesty because addicts nearly always choose to keep their behaviors secret. They may do this because they know their partner will object, or they may do this because of the shame they feel about the amount and types of porn they’re viewing. So, even in cases where a porn addict’s partner is OK with the idea of porn, the secrecy of the addiction will nevertheless push porn into the realm of betrayal.

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If you or a loved one are struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, Seeking Integrity can help. In addition to residential rehab, we offer low-cost online workgroups for male sex addicts and male porn addicts. Click HERE for information on our Sex Addiction Workgroup. Click HERE for information on our Porn Addiction workgroup.