In the digital age, relationships face unique challenges, with new forms of connection and temptation shaping modern intimacy. One behavior that raises complex questions for many couples is sexting. Is exchanging explicit messages or images with someone outside of a committed relationship considered cheating, or does it fall into a gray area? For those struggling with porn or intimacy-related addictions, the answer may not be clear-cut. At Seeking Integrity, understanding the boundaries, motivations, and potential impact of sexting is crucial, especially as it can have significant effects on trust, self-esteem, and emotional health.

Conventional Views of Cheating vs. Sexting

As our lives have moved increasingly into the virtual/digital arena, the once-clear line between sexual fidelity and cheating has, in many instances, gone blurry. Consider, by way of example, the following gray areas: 

• Is chatting with an ex on social media a form of cheating? 
• Is chatting with strangers on those same sites a form of cheating? 
• What if you’re chatting with people on hookup apps but not actually meeting them in person? 
• Does pornography qualify as cheating? Does it matter if there is masturbation in conjunction with that porn use? 
• Does sexting count as cheating? 

That final question, whether sexting is a form of cheating, is the focus of this article. That said, for all of these questions, what we’re really asking is if live, in-person contact is required for sexual infidelity, or does digital sexual behavior count equally?

Sexting Is Cheating if You and Your Partner Decide It Is

A few years ago, in an attempt to figure out the impact of online vs. in-person sextracurricular behavior, Dr. Rob Weiss, along with Dr. Jennifer Schneider and Dr. Charles Samenow, conducted a survey of women whose husbands were engaging in significant amounts of extramarital sexual activity, either online or in the real world. The most important finding of our study was this: When it comes to the negative effects of one partner being sexual outside a supposedly monogamous relationship, tech-based and in-the-flesh sexuality are no different. The lying, the emotional distancing, and the pain of learning about the betrayal all feel the same to the betrayed partner. 

The results of this study tell us that it’s not any specific sexual act that does the most damage to the betrayed partner and the relationship; instead, it’s the constant lying, the emotional distancing, and the loss of relationship trust. In fact, for most betrayed partners the emotional betrayal associated with sexual infidelity is nearly always more painful and longer-lasting than the physical betrayal. 

Based on this study, Dr. Weiss created the following definition of infidelity:

Infidelity (cheating) is the breaking of trust that occurs when you keep intimate, meaningful secrets from your primary romantic partner. 

One of the reasons I like this definition is it encompasses both online and real-world sexual activity, as well as sexual and romantic activities that stop short of penis-into-vagina—everything from looking at porn to kissing another woman to something as simple as flirting. 

More importantly, the definition is flexible depending on the couple. In other words, it lets you and your significant other define your personalized version of sexual fidelity based on honest discussions and mutual decision making. This means that sexting may be fine in your relationships, so long as your partner knows about this behavior and is OK with it. 

If, however, you are sexting and keeping this a secret, or your spouse knows about it but doesn’t find this behavior acceptable within the mutually agreed upon boundaries of your relationship, then you’re cheating. In other words, you are violating relationship trust. As such, cheating is less about the behavior that you engage in and more about the lies you tell and the secrets you keep.

Consider Your Own Limits

If you are trying to decide what sexting means, if anything, in your relationship, you and your partner need to each consider your own values and boundaries. If you were raised in a conservative, highly religious household, you may find sexting and similar behaviors problematic. If your background is more sexually open-minded, you may reach a different conclusion. Of course, your partner may feel differently. Eventually, the two of you will need to reach a consensus on whether sexting counts as cheating or not. 

Why Many People Would Consider Sexting Cheating

I want to take a moment here to reinforce something stated earlier: A betrayed partner’s deepest pain does not result from any particular sextracurricular act. Their deepest pain comes from the shattering of relationship trust. If sexting is not acceptable to your partner, you cheat when you do it. And the moment they find out you cheated, they lose the ability to fully trust you. 

You, the person closest to them, hurt them by lying to them, keeping secrets from them, emotionally distancing yourself, and living a double life. In other words, you broke relationship trust. In their mind you were their best friend, their confidante, their lover, their financial partner, their co-parent, and their compatriot in life. And then you betrayed them by violating the boundaries of your relationship. 

How Sexting Can Impact a Relationship

Sexting can impact relationship sanctity on numerous levels, including but by no means limited to the following: 

• Avoidance of Relationship Issues: Some people use sexting the same way they use a drink—to create a neurochemical rush that helps them numb and escape (temporarily) the problems and vicissitudes of life. If a person or a relationship is struggling, for whatever reason, a person might choose to use sexting as an emotional escape instead of facing their life issues.
• Diminished Self-Esteem—Sexters: People who sext often struggle with shame issues. Usually, their shame starts in childhood, even before they’re sexually aware. Then, when they start using sexting, the taboo nature of this behavior creates even more shame. This cannot help but impact their relationships, causing them to feel “less-than” and to worry that their partner will leave them. 
• Diminished Self-Esteem—Partners: Partners of sexters often wonder what the people receiving sexts offer that they don’t. This can wreak havoc on their self-esteem. They can’t help but compare and contrast, and when they do so, they may find fault in themselves. Interestingly, many sexters say they are far more attracted to their spouse than the individuals they interact with digitally. This does not, however, reduce the impact on their partner’s self-esteem. 

Let’s be clear here. Not all sexting is problematic for couples. In some forms of sex therapy, for example, sexting between partners can improve sexual and relational intimacy. That said, many couples feel that sexting people outside the relationship violates boundaries and creates problems. 

Addressing the Issue of Sexting in Relationships

In some relationships it might be just fine for one partner to sext or look at porn (or to engage in some other form of extramarital sexual activity), as long as the other partner knows about this behavior and is OK with it. If, however, one partner is looking at sexting (or engaging in some other form of extramarital sexual activity) and keeping it secret, or if the other partner knows about it and doesn’t find it acceptable, then the behavior is cheating. 

Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t discuss sexting and similar behaviors fit or don’t fit within the bounds of their relationship. Instead, they agree that they are going to have a monogamous relationship, but they don’t define what that means. One partner may think about sexting as a violation, but the other might not. In such cases, further conversation is needed. And even if sexting is defined as acceptable within the relationship, the couple may need to define what qualifies and does not qualify as sexting. For example, are clothed but sexy images a form of sexting? 

Therapy for Infidelity in Relationships

When your relationship is impacted by infidelity, every aspect of life can feel difficult. All you want to do is reconnect with your partner and feel as if everything is OK again, but then your shame steps in and you’re struggling once again. In such cases, it is likely time to reach out for infidelity therapy. 

At Seeking Integrity, our industry-leading experts are here to help. Our staff are master’s and PhD level clinicians who specialize in sex addiction and related issues like betrayal trauma, and we serve clients from across the globe. Recovery is always possible. To find out how, connect with us today at 747-234-4325, or through our website’s contact page.

Integrity. Expertise. Recovery.

FAQs

Q: What should I do if I think my partner has cheated?

A: At Seeking Integrity, we recommend that betrayed partners get tested for STDs as soon as they learn their partner has been unfaithful. We also recommend that partners investigate their legal rights, even if they plan to stay together.

Q: What should I not do after learning about my partner’s infidelity?

A: We do not recommend jumping into long-term decisions. Making life-changing decisions when you are at the height of your pain, hurt, and anger is never a good idea. The general rule of thumb is no major changes in the first six months of the recovery process. We also do not recommend using sex to try to fix the problem. It is OK to hold off on sex until relationship trust is restored. 

Q: Is it my fault that my partner cheated?

A: No. Absolutely not. Nothing that you did or did not do caused the cheating. It doesn’t matter how you’ve aged, how much weight you’ve gained or lost, or how involved you are with the kids and/or work. You are not responsible for your partner’s choice to cheat.