Dr. Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT

Most cheating men make all sorts of mistakes along the pathway of healing, no matter how sincere they are (or hope to become). This article is intended to provide an understanding of the most common mistakes these men make after their infidelity is discovered, hopefully helping them to recognize and avoid these pitfalls before they occur.

Seven things cheating men do to make their current situation worse include:

1. Continuing the infidelity (after telling their mate they’ve stopped)
2. Continuing to lie, tell partial truths, and keep secrets
3. Pushing blame onto someone or something other than themselves
4. Apologizing and expecting/demanding immediate forgiveness
5. Trying to “buy forgiveness”
6. Using aggression and threats
7. Trying to calm their spouse down

Needless to say, there are many other things cheaters can do to destroy intimacy and relationship trust between them and their significant other, but during the process of healing from infidelity, the seven items listed above are the most common and damaging pitfalls.

Continuing the Infidelity

OK, this one goes without saying, right? It’s like me telling you that four pitches out of the strike zone puts the batter on first base. It’s just really basic information. However, I’m including this because a frighteningly large percentage of men just can’t seem to stop cheating, no matter the consequences. In other words, some cheating men are like drug addicts – they lie, cheat, and keep huge secrets, all in an effort to continue their behavior. And they do this even after their infidelity (or part of it, anyway) has been uncovered and their world is crumbling around them.

If there is an emotional component to the cheating, as with a longer-term affair (or even regular booty calls), letting go can be difficult – primarily because the cheater likely cares about “the other woman” and doesn’t want to cause her pain. He might even decide that he can surreptitiously stay in contact, continuing the relationship but being a little more careful moving forward.

Needless to say, this is the type of behavior that will make things much, much worse. Even if the betrayed partner initially believes the lie that the infidelity is over, she will eventually find out that it has continued. And the continued breach of relationship trust will cause her incredible pain and anguish – much more than what she has experienced already.

Continuing to Lie, Tell Partial Truths, and Keep Secrets

This issue ties into the preceding pitfall, but it deals with much more than ongoing infidelity. This also involves continued lies, cover-ups, partial admissions, and outright secrets about both past and current behaviors, including behaviors not related to sex or romance. Short of continued infidelity, continued lies, partial truths, and secrets are the easiest (and most potent) way to derail the process of saving a relationship.

A lot of the time, both outright lies and lies of omission occur because cheaters don’t want to hurt their spouse anymore, and they think that what she doesn’t know can’t hurt her. So they tell her that their cheating only occurred once, or that they almost cheated but actually didn’t, or that it didn’t mean anything, or whatever. And then later, when they are caught red-handed in a particular deception, they admit to that one specific behavior and that behavior only. In regard to everything else, it’s deny, deny, deny until proven otherwise.

Essentially, they cling to the belief that they needn’t fully disclose about past (or present) behaviors. The problem with this is that it fails to incorporate their spouse’s point of view – that she needs to know the truth about their past infidelity, and she needs full transparency about their actions in the current moment and probably for at least the next year or so. Without these concessions, she probably won’t be able to heal, and trust will not be restored. Of course, neither partner wants to experience the pain that comes with full disclosure and ongoing transparency, but the relationship is likely doomed without those things.

Pushing Blame onto Someone Else

Externalizing blame (making the problem someone else’s fault) is among the more common tactics cheaters use to rationalize and justify their actions. While actively cheating, for example, they might tell themselves, “If my wife hadn’t gained 20 pounds after we had the kids, I’d still find her attractive and I wouldn’t be so interested in other women,” or, “If she wasn’t such a cold fish, I wouldn’t be searching for hot sex elsewhere,” or whatever. Unfortunately, this tendency toward externalizing blame may continue even after the cheating is discovered, typically cropping up when the betrayed partner seems overly angry for no apparent reason. At such times, cheaters may find themselves thinking and/or saying things like:

• The way you’re acting, who could blame me if I went out and cheated again? When will you just let this go so we can move forward?
• Why are you so upset when I’ve told you a hundred times that it was only meaningless sex? You just don’t seem to hear me when I tell you that I love only you.
• You’re so controlling now, watching every move I make. I feel like I’m five years old and you’re my mother. You’re driving me away with all of this.

What this type of reasoning fails to account for is the fact that cheating traumatizes betrayed partners, and when they get angry, they are behaving exactly like a traumatized person typically behaves. So blaming her (or anyone else) for the decision to cheat is ridiculous.

Apologizing and Expecting/Demanding Immediate Forgiveness

Many men get angry or upset about the fact that their wives aren’t acknowledging their efforts at restoring trust. They say things like, “Doesn’t she understand that I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing? I’ve stopped cheating and I’m taking responsibility for what I did. What more does she want?” However, as their spouse sees it, the fact that they are finally behaving the way they promised they would when they initially committed to monogamy is hardly cause for celebration. Nevertheless, in frustration, cheaters may find themselves demanding that their partner acknowledge their hard work and progress by being a bit softer and more loving (and maybe even initiating sex) – you know, all the stuff that typically comes with a trusting relationship.

The simple truth is that cheaters no longer have a trusting relationship because they cheated and lied and kept important secrets. So please hear me when I say this because it’s very important: To a betrayed partner, cheaters finally becoming honest and faithful doesn’t exactly merit a pat on the back because they were supposed to be honest and faithful all along.

If cheaters find that they really do need some positive reinforcement, they should consider the fact that their partner is still willing to speak to them after everything they’ve done to hurt her as high praise. If they want something more tangible, they should probably seek their “Attaboy!” elsewhere.

Trying to Buy Forgiveness

One of the most common mistakes cheating men make is attempting to buy their way out of the doghouse with flowers, dinners, trips, jewelry, etc. This doesn’t work. Sure, a betrayed partner will probably take the gift, and she might even say thank you, but she’s not going to forgive the cheater just because he bought her something nice. Even worse, she might reject the gift altogether, throwing it back at the cheater and walking away in tears.

Gifts, no matter how expensive, do not undo the trauma wrought by infidelity. They never have, and they never will. Saying you’re sorry and then giving your spouse a romantic gift does nothing to restore relationship trust. Moreover, the gift will forever be tainted because the betrayed partner will always associate it with the infidelity.

Using Aggression and Threats

Sometimes cheating men get sick of their partner being so angry, and in response they get aggressive. The most common ways to do this involve emotional and/or financial threats, such as the following:

• If you don’t like my cheating, then maybe we should get a divorce.
• If you want me to support you and the kids, I’m perfectly happy to do that. But you’re going to have to get used to me stepping out and having sex with other women.
• I’m not leaving, but I’m not limiting myself sexually, either. You’re just going to have to live with that if you want to stay together.

The men who use aggression and threats in this way seem to think that the best defense is a good offense. Well, it isn’t. When they try this approach, it is possible that they will successfully bully their wife into submission – temporarily. More likely, however, they will drive her further away.

Trying to Calm Her Down

If a cheater wants to watch his significant other lose it, he should wait until she’s already upset and then try to calm her down. He should say something like, “Honey, relax. This isn’t a big deal. You know I love you and I always have. You’re overreacting.” And then he should probably duck and cover. Betrayed partners truly do not like it when cheaters try to diminish (i.e., invalidate) their emotions.

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If you or someone you care about is struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, help is available. Seeking Integrity offers inpatient treatment for sex, porn, and substance/sex addicts, as well as low-cost online workgroups. At the same time, SexandRelationshipHealing.com offers a variety of free webinars and drop-in discussion groups, podcasts, and more.