If you have recently found out that a partner has cheated, it is common to have a lot of feelings all at once. You might be sad, shocked, or numb. For a lot of people, anger is one of the most intense feelings after discovering their partner has been unfaithful.
Cheating is more common than many people realize. One study suggests that as many as 23% of men and 19% of women in monogamous relationships admit to cheating. The real number of people who cheat is likely much higher.
At Seeking Integrity we exclusively treat sex addiction and porn addiction, so we are truly experts at what we do. We understand the importance of acting with integrity in all things, and we know that anger is a natural reaction to being betrayed. Let’s get into the stages of anger after infidelity.
Anger After Infidelity: Why Does it Happen?
You and your partner had an agreement about the nature of your relationship, and what was and wasn’t okay. They went behind your back and broke your trust. You’re angry because you know that something has to change.
Anger after infidelity also occurs because you feel disrespected. When a partner goes outside of your relationship, it demonstrates a lack of respect for your relationship, and by extension, you.
Sometimes, anger is a mask for other emotions. For example, feeling angry is easier than being sad after finding out about an affair. Anger also feels safer than admitting that you are hurt by your partner’s actions. It can be easier to focus on the righteous, punitive anger you feel toward your partner than it is to acknowledge the pain you are experiencing. Many people use anger as a tool to continue pushing forward, especially if you’re afraid that acknowledging your sadness will slow you down.
Anger as Part of the Grieving Process After Infidelity
Anger is a common stage in grief. It is important to recognize the different stages and understand where you are in your healing journey. Anger is a sign that you have been wronged and that things in your relationship need to change, and feeling your grief is part of that change.
- The first step of grief is denial. You know that your spouse cheated, but have a hard time wrapping your head around the idea. In this stage, you minimize your pain or act like things are normal.
- Anger is the second stage of grief. While grief is not linear, anger typically is at its peak when you have let the situation sink in. Your anger could be directed at yourself for not picking up on the signs that are now clear with hindsight, at your partner for betraying your trust, or at the person they cheated with for coming between the two of you. As covered in the above section, anger during grief can be used as a tool to get you through the early days of this change in your relationship.
- After anger, the next stage of grief is bargaining. When your anger starts to diminish, you will start to try making deals with yourself thinking about “if I had just done this” or if “this one thing had gone differently.” This part of grief occurs as you are trying to find a sense of control over your new reality.
- The depression stage of grief happens when you allow yourself to get in touch with the part of you that has been deeply hurt by this break in trust. You may need space from learning about the affair before you feel safe enough to feel the devastation this event has created in your life, and you may feel hopeless.
- The final stage of grief is acceptance. This is the stage when you begin to reach a sense of clarity, and can move forward.
It is important to understand that grief is not linear. You may move between stages. For some people, anger may last longer than others.
Stages of Anger After Infidelity: Four Kinds of Anger
Anger typically builds in four stages: annoyance, frustration, hostility, and rage. For many people who have been cheated on these stages actually occur with the more intense anger coming first and breaking down to annoyance over time. You may also find yourself wavering between the stages of anger at different times.
Enraged
Many people feel rage shortly after finding out that their partner has had an affair. You have been deceived and disrespected, so intense anger is expected. When you are feeling rage you are overwhelmed by your anger. Fury results in verbal or even physical outbursts. When you feel enraged, you make destructive decisions, and working through problems is practically impossible.
Hostile
Once your anger has subsided from the intense rage you first felt, you still feel very angry. Even though you no longer feel like screaming or throwing things, you don’t want to look at your partner at this stage. When you do interact you feel the urge to punish them or start fights. You still barely think about them without feeling angry, and you don’t feel like you can imagine forgiving them.
Frustrated
After you’ve experienced hostility, you will still feel frustrated. Frustration can look like being easily irritated when your partner does something wrong or feeling angry about small habits of theirs that didn’t bother you before. In this stage, you may be trying to move forward in your relationship and find forgiveness, even if it feels difficult to do so.
Annoyed
Annoyance is the last stage of anger that lingers for many betrayed partners. This type of anger is mild and can often be managed. Similar to resentment, annoyance persists long after the initial hurt of the infidelity has faded. You find that you’re irritated at your partner for seemingly small transgressions, like forgetting to do things around the house. This anger doesn’t seem connected to the affair itself but reflects how your feelings about your partner have shifted.
The Timeline of Anger After Infidelity: How Long Will This Last?
There is no defined timeline for anger following an affair. For some people, anger occurs when you first find out and then fades quickly to sadness. For others, anger can linger for a long time, getting more or less intense over time.
Putting your relationship in a safe harbor for six months, following the admission of infidelity is a good way to give yourself a buffer. This will give you and your partner time to work through anger and other emotions before making any life-changing decisions.
The truth about anger is that, like any deep emotion, it won’t go away until you work through it. Especially when it comes to a betrayal like infidelity, anger can fester and get worse over time if you don’t process the emotion. Working with a therapist who specializes in sex addiction and betrayed partners can help you understand your grief and find healthy outlets for anger.
Processing Your Anger: Feel Your Feelings
The only way to truly move forward with your relationship after infidelity is to process your anger. In an episode of Overcoming Betrayal and Addiction Dr. Robert Weiss and Tami discuss the benefits of writing down all your anger and hurt.
Doctor Rob and Tami explain:
- Anger is easier than being sad
- If you feel anger just thinking about the affair, there is sadness you are avoiding
- Just because you feel bad doing something doesn’t mean its a bad idea
- Writing might hurt in the moment, but help in the long-term
- Getting the anger out is the first step to letting it go
- Working through anger as a part of grief is the how you will be able to move forward
If you can’t process your anger after infidelity in a relationship, resentment will build. Working with your spouse on communication will help you work through your anger.
Therapy for Couples Struggling With Infidelity in Los Angeles
If you and your partner are having trouble moving on from anger after experiencing one of you two cheating, residential infidelity therapy could be the next step.
A strong residential treatment program should help the cheating partner understand what they’ve done, why it counts as cheating, how they’ve rationalized and minimized their actions, and the impact of their infidelity on their partner and their relationship.
In addition to treating the cheating partner, a strong residential program should also offer family therapy. Family therapy is intended to provide education, support, and insight that doesn’t shame or blame the cheating partner.
Seeking Integrity offers support to both betrayed partners and cheaters seeking to change their behavior and rebuild trust. Our PhD and master’s-level clinicians and addiction specialists are ready to help you get started. For more information, please call us at 1-747-234-4325. We will be happy to help you or your loved one get started on the pathway to healing.