Scott Brassart

The world can be a negative place. If recovering addicts are not careful, they can easily find themselves thinking about the downside (or potential downside) of every person, place, and situation they encounter. Often, they take this negativity and run with it, engaging in endless rumination, developing resentments, and just plain watching the world burn (in their minds).

I call this behavior disasturbation. With disasturbation, recovering addicts find themselves living in the (potential) wreckage of the future. It doesn’t matter how unlikely their imagined worst-case scenario is, they think about it. Sometimes for hours on end. Skilled disasturbators can, in the blink of an eye, move themselves (in their minds) from perfectly fine to homeless, friendless, and dying in a ditch with dirty underwear.

Disasturbation is a miserable experience. But still, a lot of recovering addicts do it. They can’t seem to help themselves. Why? Maybe it’s because the intensity of disasturbation gets them out of our heads the same way the intensity of their addiction got them out of their heads. If they’re focused on impending doom, it’s hard for them to worry about the in-the-moment issues that they’d rather not deal with. Instead of paying their bills, they disasturbate. Instead of taking the car in for service, they disasturbate. Instead of going to the doctor for their annual checkup, they disasturbate (typically ruminating about the life-threatening illness their physician is almost certain to uncover).

So, what can recovering porn addicts do to stop disasturbating? First and foremost, they can stop living in the wreckage of the past and future and start living in the moment. Because usually, whatever they’re using disasturbation to escape is not nearly as bad as disasturbation itself. For many, this means asking, “Where are my feet?” That tiny trick forces addicts to pay attention to where they are and what they need to be doing at any given moment. Other efforts toward positivity might include:

• Focus on what you can do, not on what you can’t do. Often in early recovery, addicts find themselves focusing on what they can’t do rather than on what they can do. This makes it tough to stay sober. So, instead of brooding about the porn you can no longer use, you should celebrate the freedom of choice that sobriety brings.
• Focus on the good stuff. An ingrained negativity bias is usually a long-held habit that is tough to break. If you can intentionally focus, at least for a few minutes, on the good things in life, the spell of negativity can be broken. Gratitude lists are incredibly helpful in this regard.
• Use positive affirmations. Yes, affirmations sound corny, especially to those of us who remember Stuart Smalley on Saturday Night Live. But the simple truth is they work. We suggest coming up with a set of positive affirmations—worded in the present, as if they are already true—and then stating those affirmations aloud at least three times each day for at least 30 days. Recovering addicts who do this typically find that around the two-week mark the affirmations start to kick in and their attitude changes for the better. A list of 60 affirmations you might find useful can be found in the appendix of this book.
• Practice mindfulness, meditation, and other grounding techniques. In addition to asking yourself some very simple questions like, “Where are my feet,” there are countless grounding techniques that work wonders for addicts, including mindfulness, meditation, yoga, breathwork, visualization, and more.

When addicts find themselves battling negativity, it is useful to remember the words of Roman philosopher Seneca: “A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.” Happiness occurs for us only when we can enjoy the present moment exactly as it is, rather than ruing the wreckage of our pasts or dreading the potential wreckage of our future. It is only when we feel satisfied with what we have that we experience true happiness.

* * * * * * * * * *

If you or someone you care about is struggling with sex or porn addiction, help is available. For porn addicts, Seeking Integrity offers a low-cost online workgroup series. Click HERE for information. We offer a similar workgroup series for sex addicts. Click HERE for information.