Robert Weiss PhD, LCSW, CSAT
When cheating is discovered, with or without the presence of sex addiction, porn addiction, or paired substance/sex addiction, betrayed partners are nearly always emotionally traumatized. Even if they suspected that something was amiss in the relationship before this discovery, they are likely to be blown away when the truth (or parts of it, anyway) is uncovered.
Research tells us that betrayed spouses who learn about their significant other’s cheating tend to experience significant stress and anxiety symptoms characteristic of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). In case you’re wondering, PTSD is a very serious, potentially life-threatening psychological reaction to an especially traumatic event. Symptoms commonly include flashbacks, nightmares, severe anxiety, hypervigilance, and powerful mood swings (including flashes of extreme anger, insecurity, and fear).
If you’ve been cheated on, it’s likely that you’ve had at least a few of these reactions. Worse yet, you may at times feel crazy and out of control as your trauma symptoms unexpectedly manifest. As you attempt to heal yourself and your relationship, it’s important for you to understand that these behaviors are actually perfectly normal.
It’s possible that your cheating partner feels they should be able to just apologize for their cheating and receive forgiveness. But that’s just not how it works, is it? This is because the trauma of betrayal is some of the worst trauma you can possibly experience. The one person you thought that you could trust no matter what has lied, kept secrets, and engaged in sexual betrayal. For you and other betrayed partners, this is the emotional equivalent of being run over by a truck.
Consider the results of a study conducted I conducted on the impact of infidelity. In this study, betrayed partners, after learning about their significant other’s cheating, made statements like:
- His cheating obliterated the trust in our relationship. I no longer believe a single thing he says.
- I am traumatized by his deception.
- I am over-the-top with snooping, spying, trying to control the behavior, and thinking that if I just find out everything then I can stop the cheating.
- His cheating has caused complete erosion of my self-esteem, boundaries, and sense of self.
- I feel unattractive and ugly, and I’m wondering what’s wrong with me.
So, when you find yourself on an emotional rollercoaster, don’t beat yourself up. You are simply reacting in a normal way to the crisis in which, through no fault of your own, you now find yourself. If necessary, reach out for emotional support and validation through Seeking Integrity and our therapy for infidelity. You may also want to consider our low-cost online workgroup for betrayed partners. We also offer free webinars and drop-in discussion groups for betrayed partners via sexandrelationshiphealing.com.