Erin Snow

One of the questions we at Seeking Integrity often hear from recovering porn addicts is, “What is healthy sexuality? What does it look like? Can I engage in it? Will I enjoy it?” Much of the time, the recovering addicts who pose these questions are worried that because they are now in a process of healing, they will never again be able to enjoy sexual activity.

Happily, this is not the case. Healthy sexuality can be defined, though it looks different for each addict, and it very definitely can be enjoyed. In fact, many recovering sex and porn addicts say they find non-addictive sex far more rewarding than even the best versions of addictive sex. Sober sex does not provide the neurobiological jolt of adrenaline and dopamine that they get from their addiction. But other neurochemical rewards (in particular, the feelings of safety, well-being, and intimate connection that recovering addicts can get from serotonin, oxytocin, and various endorphins) more than make up for this loss.

To enjoy sober sex, of course, a recovering addict must first establish and maintain sobriety. Typically, this sobriety needs to be in place for six months or more. With that, the reward center of the brain has time to heal from the damage wrought by active addiction. When sobriety is solidly in place and the reward center of the brain has had a chance to return to something approaching a natural baseline, recovering addicts can start to enjoyably reintegrate healthy sexual behavior into their lives.

As part of this process, addicts must let go of the intensity (the massive dopamine and adrenaline rush) they get from their addiction, knowing that with non-addictive sex they will not experience that same rush. To this end, they must not try to search for or re-create that intensity through euphoric recall or other intensity-seeking behaviors. To accomplish this, they should:

• Avoid sexual fantasies that trigger addictive thoughts or desires.
• Avoid sexual activity (including masturbation) that is triggered by or that rewards addictive thoughts, fantasies, and desires.
• Avoid risky people, places (both online and real-world), and behaviors, including the use of “not porn.”
• Abstain from other potentially addictive behaviors—drinking, drugging, smoking, spending, and the like—because the dopamine/adrenaline hit these behaviors provide prevents healing (normalization to baseline) of the brain’s reward system. Nicotine is especially harmful in this regard.

Recovering sex and porn addicts sometimes find that without the intensity of active addiction, their sexual desire goes dormant for a time. This can be distressing, especially for males who suddenly find themselves suffering from erectile dysfunction. In such cases, I often tell addicts to view this as a blessing in disguise—a brief respite from the pull of active addiction. I also make it a point to let them know this is a common stage of recovery that will pass when the rewards center of their brain returns to baseline functioning.

While sobriety is being established and maintained and the rewards center of the brain is busy healing, recovering porn addicts can start to develop healthy emotional intimacy with themselves, their partner (if they have one), and others. As they do so, they should focus on building vulnerability and intimacy (emotional connection) rather than on the pursuit of intensity. Over time, as recovering addicts become better at emotional intimacy, they can slowly reintroduce sexual behaviors in a healthy way.

For recovering sex and porn addicts, healthy sexuality builds upon emotional intimacy. Healthy sexuality for them occurs when sex is used to develop and further their emotional connection with their partner. In other words, healthy sex builds on the emotional connection that already exists. (With porn and other forms of addictive sexuality, sex is used to numb out and escape, not to connect.) Therefore, the question for recovering addicts is how they can move from incredibly intense, emotionally escapist sex into a less intense but ultimately more rewarding intimate sexual connection with a romantic partner.

The best way for recovering porn addicts to achieve this new and very different form of sexual pleasure is to explore the seven dimensions of healthy sexuality. These seven dimensions include:

• Self-Nurture: This is the process of taking care of yourself and feeling better about yourself. What activities, environments, and experiences enhance and nurture you?
• Sensuousness: This involves developing body awareness and learning to stimulate all the senses. What activities, behaviors, or environments add to your body awareness and stimulate your senses?
• Relationship Intimacy (General): This means enjoying the company of others without being sexual. How can you enjoy being with others without being sexual?
• Partner Intimacy: This is enjoying the company of your significant other without being sexual. How can you enjoy time with your partner without being sexually engaged?
• Non-Genital Physical Touch: This is the process of giving and receiving physical pleasure without genital contact. How can you and your partner physically please one another without genital contact?
• Genital Sexuality: This involves enhancing, sustaining, and enriching genital sexuality. How can the genital expression of your sexuality be enhanced, sustained, and enriched?
• Spiritual Intimacy: This means adding meaning and turning sex into an expression of feelings, values, and connection. How can all these dimensions of connection be made more meaningful?

Healthy (non-addicted) people innately know that there is more to sex than sex. They know that sex can be as much if not more about emotional intimacy as pure physical pleasure and intensity. Sex and porn addicts, however, have been misusing sexual fantasy and behavior for so long (as a means of self-soothing rather than as a means of connecting) that they can hardly fathom other dimensions of sexual behavior. As such, it is wise for recovering porn addicts to slowly and thoroughly explore each of the seven dimensions of healthy sexuality.

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If you or a loved one are struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, Seeking Integrity can help. In addition to residential rehab, we offer low-cost online workgroups for male sex addicts and male porn addicts new to recovery. Click HERE for information on our Sex Addiction Workgroup. Click HERE for information on our Porn Addiction workgroup.