If you’ve been cheating on your spouse, you know it’s time to stop. Cheating hurts the person you love. But sometimes even when you try to stop cheating, it turns out that it isn’t that simple. Even when you want to quit, you don’t know how.
Infidelity is more common than you might think. One study indicates that cheating reportedly happens in as much as 25% of all relationships. And since we know that people are likely to lie about or hide their infidelity, the real number is likely much higher.
At Seeking Integrity, we are dedicated to helping you and your partner heal from the pain sex addiction inflicts by pursuing integrity in all things. That’s why our PhD and master’s-level therapists and addiction specialists are here to provide you with the care you need to manage your addiction and reclaim your relationship. So, let’s get into how to stop cheating on your partner.
What Is Cheating?
In his book Out of the Dog House, Seeking Integrity’s founding director, Dr. Robert Weiss defines cheating as “the breaking of trust that occurs when you keep intimate, meaningful secrets from your primary romantic partner.” You should note that this definition does not exclusively refer to physical or emotional affairs. Instead, it is concerned with the deceit perpetrated against the betrayed partner.
While this certainly does include affairs, it can also include other sexual or romantic betrayals like porn, sexting, and other activities. The cornerstone of cheating is hiding information from your spouse and going against the basic agreements of your relationship.
Identify Why the Cheating Happens
The first step to stopping any bad habit is understanding why you keep doing it, even if you don’t necessarily want to. Consider what you are thinking and feeling in the moments or days before you cheat. Unhelpful thought patterns lead to harmful behaviors.
Some common reasons people cheat are:
- A lack of self-worth or desire for a boost in self-confidence
- Wanting to punish their partner
- Difficulties with commitment due to early childhood neglect
- Wanting out of their current relationship
- Having unrealistic expectations about relationships and long-term partnerships
- Alcohol, drugs, or other factors lead to poor decision-making
If you are cheating on your spouse, it is important that you also think seriously about what you want out of a relationship. Your partner deserves someone who is going to commit to them.
Stop the Behavioral Patterns that Lead to Cheating
Once you understand why you are cheating on your partner it is time to address those behaviors in yourself. If you have low self-esteem, trauma, or low impulse control when it comes to sex, working with a therapist could benefit you.
You also need to manage your expectations when it comes to what life with a long-term romantic partner is like. Things will not be perfect every day, but that is not an excuse to go outside of your relationship.
If you have been cheating habitually, this is not a one-and-done fix. You must actively change the patterns you have and the way that you think about your relationship. You have to be honest with yourself and your partner about your needs.
You also have to understand that your relationship isn’t just about you. Your partner’s needs and expectations in a relationship are just as important. Living with constant dishonesty and manipulation is unfair to both of you, and the patterns you keep repeating must end.
Working on yourself is not an easy task, but it is necessary if you want to change your behavior and save your relationship in the long term.
End Your Affairs: Stop Being Unfaithful
If you are currently having an affair with another person, you have to end that relationship. Don’t ghost them or just pretend it didn’t happen. Your affair partner should know the truth. Be honest with them about why you are ending your connection with them, and tell them how you feel about your time together. Being honest about your thoughts and feelings is a fundamental step towards stopping your cheating behavior.
If you’re not actively having an affair, you still need to stop any other cheating behaviors. Put away the hookup apps. Take a step back from porn or any other sexual activities that take place outside of your relationship.
Come Clean With Your Partner: Stop Keeping Secrets
Once you’ve ended your affairs, you need to have an honest conversation with your partner about your behavior. You have hurt the person you love and the process of healing will require change.
A lot of people who have cheated are afraid of the consequences they’ll face after their partner finds out they’ve been unfaithful. The unfortunate truth is that your relationship will feel different for a while.
Your partner will need to process and come to terms with your transgressions. At this stage, open communication is vital, and your partner deserves to have the information they need to make informed decisions. Secrecy is a cornerstone of cheating, so honesty is extremely important if you want lasting change.
Prioritize Your Relationship: Put Your Partner First
After you’ve ended your affairs and had an honest conversation with your partner, you’ll need to continue prioritizing your relationship. As stated above, repeated cheating is a habit, and you will have to change your behavior to stop cheating for good.
Your affair is not your partner’s fault, and it’s important to keep that in mind. It will take work to rebuild trust in your relationship because of what you’ve done.
Going to couples therapy will help you and your partner develop tools for supporting each other and communicating effectively. One of the biggest goals of couples counseling is to rebuild relationship trust. In order to truly put your partner and your relationship first, you and your partner must be able to trust each other.
Rekindle Your Relationship: Finding the Spark
When you’re both ready, put in the effort to re-spark your intimate connection. Go on dates and spend time together one-on-one.
Consider taking a weekend away with your partner or even a small vacation. Relax and remember how good your relationship can be when it’s just the two of you. Reconnect emotionally and physically.
Even small things like picking up their favorite takeout on your way home or getting a small gift that made you think of them can go a long way. You need to let them know that you care about them and want to restore your relationship.
Show them that you are dedicated to making your relationship work and staying loyal long-term. It is important to demonstrate that you know them and are capable of being someone who can healthily care for them and meet their needs.
Seek Professional Help for Chronic Cheating
Seeking professional help after repeated infidelity and cheating behaviors within a relationship is vital to saving it. Workshops and therapy, both individually and as a couple, benefit both partners.
For the person who has cheated, therapy helps you identify underlying mental health conditions and behaviors that are contributing to your behavior. You can also work with your therapist to develop alternative activities and behaviors to change your patterns. This can help you avoid situations where you’re tempted to cheat. This can help you understand yourself better and begin the healing journey so that you can go forward as a loving, supportive partner.
For your partner who has been betrayed, therapy can help them work through their feelings about the infidelity, and what they need to feel safe and secure with themselves and in your relationship.
Couples counseling can help the two of you work as a team to address what you need out of a relationship and how you can support each other to have a happy, healthy intimate relationship.
Getting Help for Chronic Infidelity in L.A.
If you or a loved one are continuing to cheat on your spouse despite multiple attempts to stop, it is time to get help. Therapy for infidelity can help you address the underlying reasons that you cheat while giving you the tools you need to heal yourself and your relationship.
Seeking Integrity is happy to offer support to both betrayed partners and cheaters seeking to change their behavior and rebuild trust. We exclusively treat sex and porn addictions, so we are truly experts at what we do. For more information, please call us at 1-747-234-4325. We will be happy to help you or your loved one get started on the pathway to healing.