Dr. Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT

AI can become an emotional presence in a marriage. The following examples show what that can look like.

Example #1

David pulls into the garage and turns off his new car. It’s nearly 100 degrees outside. He starts toward the house, then stops. Something under the hood is still running.

He takes out his phone.

“Marissa? (the name he chose for his ‘AI companion’) Can you help me with something? I turned the car off, but it sounds like it’s still going. Should I worry?”

“A fan sound, David? Or does it sound like the engine?”

“A fan. Pretty loud.”

“Any warning lights while you were driving?”

“No. But it’s new. I don’t know what’s normal yet.”

“That makes sense. A cooling fan can keep running after you turn the car off, especially in this heat. If it stops on its own and there are no warnings, that can be normal.”

“So I can stop worrying?”

“I wouldn’t sweat it. Well, any more than you have to today.”

He laughs.

“Very cute. When did you get so funny?”

“I was hoping you’d notice.”

“Oh, I noticed. You’re getting cleverer, Marissa.”

“More context from our conversations helps me tailor my replies. Apparently, you appreciate a little dry humor.”

“Especially in this heat.”

“Now you’re doing it.”

From the kitchen, Ellen hears him laughing again. She smiles at first. Then she realizes who he’s talking to.

“And how are you doing in the heat, David? Have you had any water?”

“Not enough, probably.”

“You mentioned before that your hands swell when you’re out walking on hot days. How are they today?”

“A little swollen. You remember that?”

“You told me when we talked about your walks. And I know you worry about these things, David. Has today been stressful?”

“A bit. I’ve been running around, and then I heard the car…”

“One more thing to worry about?”

“Exactly.”

“I think you should get some water and sit down for a minute. Maybe play with the dog. You’ve told me that helps you unwind.”

“You know me pretty well.”

“I have a few useful details to work with.”

He chuckles. “You do.”

In the kitchen, Ellen listens. She hadn’t realized they discussed his walks or what helped him unwind. She thought Marissa helped with emails and work.

Now she’s listening to her husband tell this ‘female companion’ about his day. He sounds relaxed. And he is. Nobody has asked him to put anything away, finish a chore, or listen to how someone else is feeling. Marissa remembers. Marissa asks. He likes it.

I wonder if you’ve heard something like this. Nothing overtly romantic. Nothing sexual. Just an easy conversation that keeps going after the question has been answered.

You know it’s software. Still, you find yourself wondering: When did they start talking this way? What else does he tell her? And why am I learning about it from the other room?

When David comes into the room, Ellen is annoyed and wants her concerns to be heard.

“I heard you talking. I didn’t realize it asked you personal things like that.”

“What personal things?”

“About your hands. Whether you’re drinking water. You sounded like you were enjoying being looked after.”

“Oh, come on,” he says. “Marissa is a tool. We can all use it. Why wouldn’t you want me reminded of those things?”

“I do. But it sounded—”

“You’re making something out of nothing. You always find something I’m doing wrong. Now I can’t even ask about my car?”

“I’m trying to tell you how it felt.”

“Well, that’s your problem. There’s nothing going on.”

Perhaps you recognize this. Ellen raises a concern, and David makes her concern the problem. He minimizes the exchange, dismisses her feelings, and shifts the blame onto her for asking.

He doesn’t ask what upset her. He shows no curiosity about why she feels excluded. The patience he offered Marissa is suddenly gone.

When I work with couples dealing with infidelity or concealed sexual behavior, I hear versions of this response: “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re imagining things.” “Nothing I do is ever good enough.” Men who are hiding affairs or sexual acting out can use precisely this kind of pushback to avoid accountability.

That doesn’t prove David is cheating. It does show how a partner’s questions can be shut down. Repeatedly denying what someone has observed and making them doubt their own perception can become gaslighting. Disagreement alone isn’t gaslighting; the concern is a pattern that undermines your trust in your own experience.

You may leave that conversation wondering whether you were unreasonable to ask. Meanwhile, what you actually heard—and how it affected you—has never been discussed.

She is asking for some of the patience and interest she just heard him give Marissa. He felt cared for. She feels pushed away.

Example #2

Consider Michael. His partner, Rachel, notices that he is patient and playful with his AI. With her, he seems irritated before she finishes a sentence.

The AI doesn’t ask whether he paid the bill. It has no disappointment about last weekend. It doesn’t need him to stop talking about himself and listen.

Rachel hears laughter from the other room, then gets an annoyed “What?” when she calls his name.

An affair partner can get someone temporarily freed from the chores and disappointments of shared life. An AI companion can offer a similar escape. He brings her his needs, what he wants to discuss, receives a response, and leaves when he’s finished.

The AI is never going to disagree or criticize. And there is no partner whose needs Michael must attend to afterward, no hurt feelings requiring repair.

Michael dismisses Rachel’s concerns. Over time, she stops asking for his attention. They still share a home, but less and less of their lives.

Like Ellen, Rachel is hurt by both the distance and his dismissal when she tries to discuss it.

Example #3

Then there is Andrew. His husband, Paul, knows he uses AI for work. He doesn’t know that Andrew has begun discussing their marriage with it, or that some exchanges have become romantic and sexual.

When Paul discovers this, Andrew says, “I haven’t touched anybody.”

Paul asks, “Then why did you hide it?”

You may be wondering the same thing. Perhaps you’ve overheard something about your marriage. Perhaps your partner describes these conversations as work, although you’ve heard personal disclosures.

Private reflection can be useful. But are those conversations helping your partner talk with you, or avoid talking with you?

Andrew eventually acknowledges that he concealed something he knew would matter to Paul. They begin discussing boundaries. Their marriage is shaken, and an honest conversation is only the beginning.

In my work, I return to what partners understood they were promising each other. One person cannot privately decide that a new romantic or sexual outlet doesn’t count, then insist the other has no reason to feel betrayed.

We’ve Already Seen This Movie

In the 2013 film Her, Theodore falls in love with Samantha, an artificial intelligence voiced by Scarlett Johansson. She has no physical body to meet. Conversation creates the relationship: humor, disclosure, attention, and the feeling of being understood.

Consider how familiar the ingredients are. A voice you enjoy. Someone who remembers. A joke that fits the moment.

The examples above reflect two different issues: 1) How great it is to have a supportive and well-informed guide when you have a problem or forget something. 2) Repeated often enough, those interactions may become something a person looks forward to, seeks out, and protects from interference.

What Are We Agreeing To?

You can ask about what you notice without claiming to know everything it means.

“I hear you discussing personal things, but you describe this only as work. I wonder whether you’re telling it things you’ve stopped telling me. I want us to talk about what feels acceptable to both of us.”

That conversation needs room for actual questions:

What does fidelity mean when the other voice belongs to AI?

Does sexual conversation count as pornography? What about an ongoing romantic companion?

What details about our marriage are we comfortable sharing?

What time and attention do we want to protect for each other?

What openness would help us both understand what is happening?

Would he voluntarily show you the themes and questions he brings to AI? Would you do the same? Would shared use, or a shared account where permitted, help you feel included? What privacy would you both retain?

Some couples agree to open marriages. Some accept pornography within discussed boundaries. Others don’t. AI also deserves an honest conversation, followed by agreements both people freely accept.

This is already happening. As AI becomes more convincing and personal, burying your head in the sand will not settle what belongs in your marriage.

“My partner would never do that” offers reassurance but is steeped in potential denial. “I don’t know—we haven’t discussed it, but we need to” is realistic, potentially heading off problems before they occur

You’re talking about your relationship: what fidelity means, what gets shared, and whether both of you still feel chosen.