Robert Weiss PhD, LCSW, CSAT
If your partner is recovering from sex, porn, or paired substance/sex addiction, it’s likely that he will need guidance and assistance with his use of digital devices—laptops, phones, pads, tablets, etc. Once upon a time, he would have been advised to simply stay offline. But that’s just not feasible these days, as digital technology is too integral to modern life to simply turn it off. The good news is that there are some great software products that can help your addicted loved one fight tech-temptations.
These products are generally referred to as ‘parental control’ software because they were developed to protect young people from inappropriate or unwanted content and contacts. Over the years, as these products have become more sophisticated and adaptable, they have become equally useful for adults who struggle with online behaviors—not just sex and porn, but spending, gambling, video gaming, social media, etc.
If your partner has ever used a digital device as part of his addiction—and trust us, he has—then installing one of these products is a good idea. Ideally, your partner’s therapist, 12-step sexual recovery sponsor, or some other accountability buddy will help him install the software and will keep the password to prevent him from unilaterally deciding to change the settings or uninstall the product. For a variety of reasons, it is not recommended that you serve as your partner’s accountability buddy.
As you and your partner shop for protective software, it’s important to understand that, for purposes of sex, porn, and substance/sex addiction recovery, some products are better than others. Features to look for include:
- Customizable Filtering and Blocking: Nearly all protective software products offer some degree of filtering and blocking. Often, they have preset levels ranging from settings appropriate for young children to settings meant for teens and adults. The better products allow customization with whitelisting and blacklisting of specific sites. IMPORTANT: You want a filter/blocker that analyzes web pages in real time. What this means is that you could access a fan fiction site without any trouble, but you would still be blocked from any eroticized stories on the site.
- Monitoring and Reporting (Accountability): Accountability is especially important for recovering sex and porn addicts. Generally, your accountability partner will get reports at regular intervals showing how much time you spent online, where you went online, and who you interacted with. The better products offer real-time notification if you attempt to use your digital device in a non-sober way. Some products will also monitor and report on texts, downloads, uploads, search engine requests, instant messages, apps, usernames and passwords, etc.
- Time Management: Time management features let you set an amount of time or certain times of day when you can (and can’t) use your devices. The best products can be customized to allow or prohibit the use of certain programs and apps at various times of day.
- Location Tracking: Sex and porn addicts carry their phones with them everywhere they go. Recognizing this, most protective software products now come with location tracking. Betrayed partners love this feature, as it helps them know where you are at all times.
- App Limits: There’s an app for everything these days, including apps for viewing porn, sexting, flirting, hooking up, etc. There are even apps that are designed to hide other apps. So what might at first glance look like an innocuous game could actually be a porn or hookup site. Most apps are fine for most recovering addicts, but plenty of apps are not. You will want a protective software that blocks access to apps you use as part of your addiction.
- Easy to Install and Use: The best protective software products are easy to install, easy to customize, and easy to modify. You also want to be able to globally configure the software, meaning you put the settings in one device and they automatically transfer to your other devices.
- Compatibility/Licensing: Not all protective software products work on every digital device. In fact, many are quite limited (and therefore not recommended, as sex and porn addicts usually have a wide array of devices). It is important to make sure the product you buy works on all of your devices. It is also important to see how many devices the license covers. Ideally, you want to cover all of your equipment with only one license.
For sex, porn, and substance/sex addiction recovery, the best protective software options are Net Nanny, Qustodio Parental Control, and Covenant Eyes. Any of those three products will likely work well.
Once again, for maximum effectiveness, it is important that your partner asks his therapist, 12-step sexual recovery sponsor, or some other accountability buddy (that isn’t you) to install the protective software, establish the settings, and keep the password. Otherwise, your partner may be tempted to change the settings or to uninstall the product altogether.
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If you or someone you care about is struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, help is available. Seeking Integrity offers inpatient treatment for sex, porn, and substance/sex addicts, as well as low-cost online workgroups. At the same time, SexandRelationshipHealing.com offers a variety of free webinars and drop-in discussion groups, podcasts, and more.