Erin Snow

In his book, Out of the Doghouse, my colleague Dr. Rob Weiss lists seven behaviors cheaters often engage in after their infidelity is uncovered that make the situation worse rather than better. Two of these are linked to quick fix expectations. The first is to think that an apology is enough to make things right and that it should elicit immediate forgiveness. The second is to try and “buy” forgiveness with gifts.

Apologizing and Expecting Immediate Forgiveness

Many cheaters get upset about the fact that betrayed partners aren’t acknowledging their efforts at restoring trust. They say things like, “Don’t you understand that I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing? I’ve stopped cheating and I’m taking responsibility for what I did. What more do you want?”

However, as their partner sees it, the fact that they are finally behaving the way they promised they would when they initially committed to monogamy is hardly cause for celebration. Still, in frustration they may demand that their partner acknowledge their hard work and progress by being a bit softer and more loving—all the stuff that typically comes with a trusting relationship. But the simple truth is cheaters no longer have a trusting relationship because they cheated and lied and kept important secrets.

So, expecting your partner to be more loving just because you’ve stopped misbehaving for a few weeks is a bad idea. And if you try to see things from your partner’s perspective, you will understand why. To your betrayed partner, you finally becoming honest and faithful doesn’t exactly merit a pat on the back. Because you were supposed to be honest and faithful all along.

If you find that you need some positive reinforcement, consider it high praise that your partner is still willing to speak to you after everything you’ve done to hurt your relationship. If you want something more tangible, it’s best to seek your props elsewhere, perhaps from a friend, a support group member, your 12-step sponsor, or your therapist.

If you’re expecting immediate forgiveness from someone you profoundly betrayed only a few weeks or months ago, simply because you’ve told them you’re sorry and it won’t happen again, then you need to think again. Expecting your partner to let you off the hook that easily is just not realistic. Yes, you do deserve acknowledgment for working hard toward change, but not from your partner. At least not yet.

Trying to Buy Forgiveness

One of the most common mistakes cheaters make when trying to win back a betrayed partner is attempting to buy their way out of the doghouse with gifts—flowers, dinners, trips, jewelry, and the like. This doesn’t work. Betrayed partners will often accept the gift, and they might even say thank you, but they are not going to forgive the cheater just because they got something nice. And sometimes betrayed partners will reject the gift altogether, throwing it back at the cheater and walking away in tears.

Gifts, no matter how expensive, do not undo the trauma wrought by infidelity. They never have, and they never will. Still, lots of cheaters try this tactic, even though it is not a route out of the doghouse. Saying you’re sorry and then giving your partner a romantic gift will not restore relationship trust or earn forgiveness. Moreover, your gift will forever be tainted because your partner will always associate it with your betrayal.

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