Cheaters: Trying to Control the Situation Makes it Worse

This entry was posted in Addicts, Blog, Couples, Partners and tagged , on by .

Erin Snow

In his book, Out of the Doghouse, my colleague Dr. Rob Weiss lists seven behaviors cheaters engage in after their infidelity is uncovered that make the situation worse rather than better. Two of these are linked to attempts to control your betrayed partner’s reaction. The first is to do that using aggression and threats. The second is to try to calm your partner down.

Using Aggression and Threats

Sometimes cheaters struggle with their betrayed partner being so angry, and in response, they get aggressive. The most common ways to do this involve emotional or financial threats.

  • If you don’t like my cheating, then maybe we should get a divorce. But don’t count on some big payout from me. 
  • If you want me to take care of you and the house and the kids, I’m perfectly happy to do so. But you’re going to have to get used to me stepping out on you.
  • I’m not leaving, but I’m not limiting myself sexually, either. You’re just going to have to live with that if you want to stay together.

Cheaters who use aggression and threats in this way seem to think that the best defense is a good offense. It isn’t. If you try this approach, it is possible that you will successfully bully your partner into submission. Temporarily. More likely, however, you will drive your partner further away. And if your partner does give in to your bullying, is that really the kind of relationship you want? 

Trying to Calm Your Partner Down

If you want to watch your partner really lose their temper, wait until they’re already upset and then try to calm them down. Say something like, “Honey, relax. This isn’t a big deal. You know I love you, and I always have. You’re overreacting.” Then you should probably duck and cover—because that’s what you do when a tornado is heading your way, right?

Believe me when I tell you that betrayed partners do not like it when you try to diminish (i.e., invalidate) their emotions. Sure, if you work hard enough, you might be able to calm your partner down a little bit, but it won’t last, and it certainly won’t fix the underlying issues with relationship trust. Besides, you are rightfully in the doghouse. Your partner’s anger was caused by your actions. If you hadn’t cheated and lied, your partner wouldn’t be angry. So maybe you should just let your partner be angry and be glad that they still care enough to have strong feelings about you. Know too that a big part of your partner’s healing process is being able to express how your actions have affected them, and you need to live with that, no matter how awful it feels.

Perhaps more important, you need to accept your partner’s anger, sadness, disappointment, and hurt. Doing so tells your partner that you care about them and your relationship enough to just sit there and take it. So, in this case the best action you can take is no action at all, except perhaps to validate what your partner is feeling.

* * * * * * * * * *

If you or a loved one are struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, Seeking Integrity can help. In addition to residential rehab, we offer low-cost online workgroups for male sex addicts and male porn addicts new to recovery. Click HERE for information on our Sex Addiction Workgroup. Click HERE for information on our Porn Addiction workgroup.