Dr. Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT

Franklin is a 33-year-old married father of twin daughters. Several years ago, he started to regularly use online porn. His sex life with his wife had diminished after their daughters were born, so porn seemed – to him – like a great alternative. He didn’t have to bug his harried wife for sex anymore. Instead, he could go online for 15 or 20 minutes (or a lot longer), find some hot videos, and take care of things on his own. Recently, he started chatting up random women on dating websites, social media, and hookup apps.

A few months ago, Franklin’s wife uncovered his secret world of online activities when she borrowed his phone and found evidence of these behaviors. She was incredibly hurt and angry and accused Franklin of serial infidelity. He, however, insisted that he’d never cheated because all he’d ever done was look at porn and chat online. “It’s no different than when my dad looked at Playboy when I was a kid,” he argued. “So why are you giving me such a hard time?” Unsurprisingly, his wife disagreed with that assessment.

Often, one of the most difficult aspects of helping a man who’s in trouble for cheating is getting him to view infidelity for what it is. Either he doesn’t view what he’s done as cheating, or he can’t understand why his significant other won’t just accept what has happened, including “her part” in it, and immediately forgive him, perhaps even understanding why he did it.

The simple truth is that most cheating men rationalize, minimize, and justify their sexual infidelity – blaming everyone and everything but themselves for their actions and the relationship dilemma in which they suddenly find themselves. Often, they think and say things like:

• I’m only sexting and flirting. Where’s the harm in that? I don’t meet up with any of these women in person. It’s just a game to me.
• If my job wasn’t so stressful, I wouldn’t need the release that porn gives me.
• My dad looked at porn and went to strip clubs, and it wasn’t a big deal. Well, I have webcam chats and online sex. What’s the difference?
• If my wife enjoyed sex more, I wouldn’t have even thought about going elsewhere.
• Monogamy means no romantic connections, like no kissing, no cuddling, and no getting attached. Well, a lap dance in a strip club is hardly a romantic connection. It’s just what guys do for fun.

In the therapy business, we have a name for this type of reasoning. We call it denial. From a psychotherapy perspective, denial is a series of internal lies and deceits that people tell themselves to justify their questionable behaviors. Typically, each self-deception is supported by one or more rationalizations, with each rationalization bolstered by still more falsehoods. And so it goes.

When viewed from a distance, denial is about as structurally sound as a puff of smoke, yet most cheaters behave as if they’re living in an impenetrable bomb shelter. An impartial observer could easily see through their lies, but they either cannot or will not, choosing instead to ignore the seriousness and potential consequences of their actions so they can comfortably continue cheating.

This type of willful ignorance can go on for years, usually continuing until the infidelity is discovered, and sometimes beyond that.

Standard Issue Denial

The most common type of denial, used by almost every man who cheats, is built on the following lie: “What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her.” Frankly, I am amazed by the fact that cheating men are almost always able to convince themselves that this statement is true.

Well, it isn’t.

In reality, even though a betrayed spouse may have no idea that their partner is cheating, they invariably feel and experience both emotional and physical distancing in their relationship. Sadly, they may blame themselves for this, wondering what they’ve done to create this rift and to provoke their partner’s defensiveness and anger if/when they question their partner about the emotional separation.

In therapy sessions, regardless of the nature of the lies that unfaithful clients tell themselves (and me) to justify their sexual infidelity, I generally respond with one very simple question: “If your behavior wasn’t cheating, then why were you keeping it a secret from your partner?”

Often, these men have a ready answer: “I didn’t want to upset her or cause her any pain.” But are they really trying to protect their significant other from pain, or are they more focused on protecting themselves from being found out so they can continue doing what they want to do with whomever they want?

Beyond Denial: The Real Reasons Men Cheat

As discussed above, men who cheat will justify their behavior with all sorts of ridiculous excuses, few of which hold up when viewed in the cold light of day. Sadly, even when these lies are debunked, plenty of men continue cheating. This, of course, begs the question: Why? Why do these men really choose to cheat? And why do they sometimes continue to cheat even in the face of profoundly unwanted potential consequences like divorce, loss of parental contact, loss of social standing, and more?

Generally, if a man engages in sexual infidelity, he does so for one or more of the following (relatively unflattering) reasons:

• Insecurity: He feels as if he is too old (or too young), not handsome enough, not rich enough, not smart enough, not powerful enough, etc. As a result, he seeks validation from women other than his mate, using their spark of interest to feel wanted, desired, and worthy. In other words, he uses extramarital activity to bolster his flagging ego and feel better about himself.
• Unfettered Impulse: He never thought much about cheating until Busty Brenda hit on him at the office party, letting him know she was up for it whenever, wherever. So, without even thinking about what his behavior might do to his spouse and his primary relationship, he goes for it.
• Psychological Trauma: He may be reenacting or latently responding to unresolved childhood traumas – neglect, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, etc. Essentially, childhood and adolescent wounds can create attachment/intimacy issues that leave men unable or unwilling to fully commit to one person. He might also be using the excitement and distraction of sexual infidelity as a way to self-soothe the pain of these old, unhealed wounds.
• Terminal Uniqueness: He may feel like he deserves something special that is just for him – a prostitute, a few hours with porn, an emotional affair, a sexual affair, etc. Essentially, he convinces himself that he is put-upon in some way by the people in his life, and he uses this to justify his infidelity.
• Lack of Male Social Support: Over time, he has undervalued his need for supportive friendships with other men, expecting his social and emotional needs to be met entirely by his significant other. And when she inevitably fails in that duty, he seeks external sources.
• Biology: He believes it is man’s evolutionary right/imperative to spread his seed as widely as possible. And maybe it is (or isn’t). Either way, acting on this belief conflicts with his commitment to monogamy and breaches relationship trust.
• Unrealistic Expectations: He feels that his partner should meet his every whim and desire, sexual and otherwise, 24/7, regardless of how she is feeling at any particular moment. He fails to understand that she has a life of her own, with thoughts and feelings and needs that don’t always involve him. When his expectations are not met, he seeks external fulfillment.
• It’s Over, Version 1: He wants to end his current relationship. However, instead of just telling his significant other that he’s unhappy and wants to break things off, he cheats and forces her to do the dirty work.
• It’s Over, Version 2: He wants to end your current relationship. However, he doesn’t want to leave his current long-term relationship until he’s got another one lined up. So, he sets the stage for his next relationship while he’s still in the first one. Only he does this without letting his current partner know that she is being used and strung along.
• Limerence: He doesn’t understand the difference between romantic intensity and long-term love. Essentially, he mistakes the neurochemical rush of early romance, technically referred to as limerence, for love. He fails to understand that in healthy long-term relationships, the rush of limerence is replaced over time with less intense but ultimately more meaningful forms of connection.
• Co-Occurring Issues: Maybe he has an ongoing problem with alcohol and/or drugs that affects his decision-making, resulting in regrettable sexual decisions. Or maybe he has a problem like sexual addiction, meaning he compulsively engages in sexual fantasies and behaviors as a way to numb out and avoid life. (This “desire for escape” is also why alcoholics drink, drug addicts get high, compulsive gamblers place bets, etc.)
• Putting Himself First (Selfishness): His primary consideration is for himself and himself alone. He can therefore lie and keep secrets without remorse or regret as long as it gets him what he wants. It’s possible he never intended to be monogamous. Rather than seeing his vow of monogamy as a sacrifice made to and for his relationship, he views it as something to be avoided and worked around.

Regardless of a man’s reasons for cheating, he didn’t have to do it. He had many other options – couples therapy, taking up golf, being open and honest with his wife and working to improve the relationship, even separation and/or divorce. There are always choices that don’t involve degrading and potentially ruining his integrity and the life that he and his spouse have created.