Dr. David Fawcett

Recovering sex and porn addicts inevitably ask, “What does healthy sex look like?” They ask this question because at some point they realize that they have no idea what non-addictive sex looks like. In their addiction, they so thoroughly separated their compulsive sexual behaviors from all other aspects of life that they are now clueless about how they might reintegrate sexual behavior in ways that are healthy and life-affirming. Often, they are in despair because they fear that “healthy” sexual behavior is not possible for them.

Happily, a healthy and richly rewarding sex life is possible for all recovering sex and porn addicts. In fact, developing a healthy and enjoyable sex life is the whole reason most such addicts enter into a process of recovery and healing. (Remember, sexual sobriety is not the same as substance abuse sobriety, where total abstinence is the goal. Instead, sexual recovery is more like recovery from an eating disorder, where the goal is learning how to engage in a natural, enjoyable, and life-sustaining activity in healthy rather than unhealthy ways.)

But when so much of sex/porn addicts’ lives have been devoted to non-intimate, highly compartmentalized sexual behaviors, how can they move toward healthy sexuality? First and foremost, they must work to heal their sexual shame. They must become aware of their negative self-talk surrounding sex, such as, “My sex life is so compulsive and so messed up, there is no way I’ll ever be able to enjoy sex in a healthy way.” This type of self-defeating talk, if allowed to continue unchecked, can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. In recovery, when addicts catch themselves having thoughts like this, they should counter those thoughts with affirmations, such as:

• I can be sexual in healthy ways.
• I can integrate sexual behavior and emotional intimacy.
• I can enjoy healthy, non-compartmentalized sexual behavior.

As addicts work on defeating their negative self-talk surrounding sex, they should also focus on building healthy nonsexual intimacy with their partner (if they have one), along with family members, friends, community, and themselves. When addicts focus on the joys of emotional intimacy, rather than on sexual intensity, they take away the stress and pressure that surrounds sexual behavior. This does not mean they forget about sex; it simply means they place sexual contact on the back burner while they slowly learn (or re-learn) how to connect with others in emotionally meaningful ways.

At some point down the line – six months or so into recovery – sex/porn addicts can think about reintegrating sexual behavior into their lives. Typically, the best way to start this process is to focus on and explore the seven dimensions of healthy sexuality, outlined below. As addicts do this, they must remember that the process of reintegrating sexuality in healthy ways is not a race. They should take their time with it, working their way through the seven dimensions gradually and deliberately, making sure they are comfortable with each dimension before focusing on the next dimension.

Seven Dimensions of Healthy Sexuality

1. Self-Nurture: The process of taking care of oneself and feeling better about oneself. As addicts work on self-nurture, they should focus on activities, environments, and experiences that enhance and nurture them, preferably things that involve healthy interaction with other people. Example: Taking a spin class at my gym helps me to feel better physically, to feel better about how I look, and to socialize in a healthy way.
2. Sensuousness: Developing body awareness and learning to stimulate all of the senses. As addicts work on sensuousness, they should focus on activities, behaviors, environments, and experiences that add to their body awareness and stimulate their senses. They should think about colors, sounds, smells, textures, tastes, etc. Example: Keeping freshly cut flowers in the house creates pleasure through smell.
3. Relationship Intimacy (General): Enjoying the company of others without being sexual. As addicts work on relationship intimacy, they should focus on activities, behaviors, environments, and experiences that help them develop nonsexual relationship intimacy. They should look for ways they can enjoy being with others without being sexual. Example: Asking my friends about their lives helps me to know them better and to care more about them.
4. Partner Intimacy: Enjoying the company of a significant other without being sexual. As addicts work on partner intimacy, they should focus on activities, behaviors, environments, and experiences that help them enjoy the company of their partner and feel connected with their partner without being sexual. Example: Sharing with my spouse about what I am feeling, and not being rejected because of that, helps me to trust and rely upon him/her in new ways.
5. Non-Genital Physical Touch: Giving and receiving physical pleasure without genital contact. As addicts work on non-genital physical touch, they should focus on activities, behaviors, environments, and experiences that let them and their partner please one another without genital contact. They may want to think about back rubs, showering together, dressing one another, kissing, and the like. Example: When I watch TV with my partner, we can hold hands and snuggle.
6. Genital Sexuality: Enhancing, sustaining, and enriching genital sexuality. As addicts work to incorporate genital sexuality, they should focus on activities, behaviors, environments, and experiences that help them and their partners enhance, sustain, and enrich this contact. They should think about ways to build emotional intimacy during sex. Example: I can look into my partner’s eyes and talk about how much I love him/her while we make love.
7. Spiritual Intimacy: Adding meaning and turning sex into an expression of feelings, values, and connection. As addicts work on spiritual intimacy, they should focus on activities, behaviors, environments, and experiences that help them develop spiritual connection. They might think about being honest with their thoughts, feelings, desires, beliefs, and life priorities. Example: I can view my spouse as a child of God with important thoughts and feelings.

In addition to exploring the seven dimensions of healthy sexuality, recovering sex/porn addicts may also need to grieve the loss of intensity provided by their addiction. They must accept the fact that healthy, intimate, emotionally connected sex is not as extreme as addictive sexual behaviors. With healthy sexual behaviors, they will not get the same “rush” of dopamine and adrenaline that they got with addictive sex. The good news about healthy sexual activity is that it brings other (and ultimately far greater) rewards, including integrity within the self, emotional connection, and a sense of being truly known and still loved, cared for, and wanted. For many addicts, those gifts, over time, prove to be a welcome and more than fair trade-off for the loss of addictive intensity.

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If you or someone you care about is struggling with compulsive sexual behavior, help is available. For sex addicts, Seeking Integrity offers a low-cost online workgroup series. Click HERE for information. We also offer a low-cost online workgroup to help addicts learn about healthy intimacy and sexuality. Click HERE for information.