Tami VerHelst
I’ve had several queries recently on the topic of growing from the pain. To betrayed partners, I often say, “This is the club you never wanted to be part of.” No one signs up for a relationship to be betrayed and hurt. We enter into a relationship thinking that we are going to be great together and we have each other as partners so we can navigate the world together. Then the discovery of infidelity occurs.
Of course, the betrayer has known all along of the behaviors, but betrayed partners have been in the dark because of all the secrecy and lies. And suddenly they find out their partner isn’t the person of integrity they hoped for and thought they had. Betrayal, grief, hurt, anger, confusion, and sadness are just a few of the emotions that are experienced at this painful time, often without any idea how to navigate this uncharted world.
A betrayed partner who has had some time post-discovery shared a comment recently that I did not expect. She said she has leaned into support for herself and set healthy boundaries for her safety. She also shared that she has learned so much about herself through this. She is stronger than she thought, and she now has a network of truly supportive friends.
As she shared this, I could see the sincerity on her face. She spoke and knew the truth that, for her, the painful experiences created by her partner’s betrayal have shown her how strong and resilient she truly is. And that she is not alone on this path.
On a recent prodependence webinar, therapist Debbie McRae talked about letting go, surrendering, and forgiving, noting the differences between these concepts and why those differences matter. We discussed that this is “later” work not to be undertaken early in the discovery process. Toward the end of the webinar, Debbie shared that her personal therapist told her that when there is a painful situation rooted in a person’s behavior, she decided that the person causing her pain is now one of her teachers. She asks herself, “What can I learn from this pain?”
This was a wow moment for me.
In hindsight, I can see how the people who I perceive to have hurt me the most have also taught me the most. I have been strengthened by the pain. My ability to lean into healthy support and make choices rather than just reacting (and causing chaos) is the direct result of me growing from pain. Because of these experiences, I have learned to move through the difficult spaces in life knowing that I will indeed get through them. Better yet, I’ve learned that I don’t have to do this alone.
I know that both the betrayed and betrayer want to be “over it,” to have things “good” again, and to feel “safe” in the relationship. It’s challenging to think that mistrust is a new normal. It’s easy to get caught up in “always” and “never” thinking. But for today, just for today, we can choose to make progress and learn a bit more.
If we do this, we will see transformation in ourselves, even if the person we love and hoped would change doesn’t (or doesn’t to the extent we hoped). We can change. I think of this change like refining gold: It takes heat to bring clarity. The most valuable gold (the higher karat) has been through the most heat. This is true for people, too. Through the heat of pain, we’re wiser, stronger, and we have more to offer.
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If you are a betrayed partner and you would like to grow through the pain you are experiencing, Seeking Integrity can help. For starters, you might want to consider our next Betrayed Partners online workgroup. Click here for information.